Impact Wrestling Results – August 23, 2018

Impact Wrestling Results - August 23, 2018

We see the usual opening video looking back at last week, then Crazy Eddie Edwards comes out to the ring to tell us that he’s an honest man, and he can admit when he gets his ass kicked, and the last two weeks, he has GOTTEN HIS ASS KICKED. But being the honest man that he is, he was (he lays down) he picks himself up, dusts himself off (gets back to his feet) and is standing in this ring, and is once again looking for a fight.  He’s been called every name in the book recently: crazy, unhinged, stupid, and he may be all of those things or none of those things, he’s just a man, and nobody can go through what he’s gone through like the stuff with his wife, getting hit in the face with a bat, the stuff with Sami Callihan, and the stuff with Tommy Dreamer, and nobody would come out the same, and honestly, he loves what he’s become.  The 12 people in the crowd applaud that as Eddie reiterates that he loves it, and now, he’s a man with nothing to lose, and that makes him a very dangerous person.  He’s had a vision in his head the last few weeks of him swinging that kendo stick, his sweet sweet sidekick (he gives it a kiss) and cracking it off the skulls of Austin Aries and Killer Kross.  He wants to make it true, so he tells Aries and Kross to come down here, or if they don’t want to do that, he’ll come back and fight them in the back.  Aries comes out with Kross in tow and says no problem, they’ll make it easy for him.  He’s an honest man too, and the truth is that he’s the greatest professional wrestler walking the face of the planet, and Eddie had his chance and blew it.  He is crazy, he is stupid, and he is dangerous, but Aries found someone even more dangerous and crazier, so if Eddie wants to fight somebody, and if he thinks he has a chance against them, even with that kendo stick of his…Eddie tosses the  stick to Kross, lays Aries out, then kicks Kross in the gut, takes the stick, and cracks Kross over the head with it.  Aries clips his knee and then knocks him out with the belt, and Kross gets him in the crossjacket choke as Aries gets Eddie in a figure four.  Aries puts a chair on Eddie’s neck and prepares to hit it with another chair, but Moose comes out with a chair of his own and chases them off.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, and then we go to the oVe cam, and Sami says they’re all unhappy and it’s all Pentagon’s fault.  Sami and Pentagon go at it one last time with nobody at ringside, and only one man is walking out.

Eddie Edwards is backstage with Moose, who says he’s always here for him, and Alisha comes in and gives “Moosey” a big hug, and she’s glad someone has this lunatic’s back.  Eddie says she has a match and things are looking up!

Matt Sydal cuts a backstage promo saying that life has felt like an impossible assignment since he lost his title, until last week when he experienced enlightenment.  It is his duty to awaken all beings on this Earth, and tonight is Zachary Wentz’s opportunity to awaken.

Matt Sydal vs Zachary Wentz

Sydal starts by telling Wentz about his third eye, Fast paced start, and Wentz hits a springboard corkscrew crossbody for 2.  Sydal bails to the floor, and Wentz takes him out with a SWEET dive.  Sydal charges Wentz and plows through him with a forearm, then rolls Wentz into the ring.  Sydal locks Wentz down with a modified headlock, Wentz fights out and tries a flying headscissors, but Sydal counters to a powerbomb for 2.  Wentz with a superkick and a standing moonsault for 2.  Wentz goes to the top, but takes too long and Sydal knocks him down.  Wentz comes through the ropes with a Codebreaker and tries a twisting standing shooting star press, Sydal gets the knees up, but Wentz catches him with a flying knee.  Sydal with one of his own, a pendulum swing, and that gets the fall.

Winner: Matt Sydal

This caught me off guard by being really good!

Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley find Eli Drake and are SO excited over how great they did last week and want a high five, but Drake says they aren’t friends, he just needed them for one thing, and he did all the work anyway.  Now they can take a walk because they can’t beat Joe Hendry or Grado, and they can’t even beat these guys (indicating two guys I don’t recognize as they walk in).  Lee and Konley challenge them to a match, and Drake says oh boy, he’s got to see this.

Video package hyping Brian Cage, and he talks about how he’s stood out since he got here because he knows he’s better than anyone here.  He beat Bobby Lashley twice, nobody looks like him or can do the things he does in the ring, and he came here with one goal: to take over the X Division and bring a new era to it.  He can do anything Fenix can, and he’ll find out why when they face off next week.

The Global Wrestling Network takes us back to when AJ Styles returned to TNA and saved James Storm from Daniels and Kazarian.

Video package of the history between Sami Callihan and Pentagon, then we go back to the ring…

Desi Arnaz Hit Squad vs KM & Fallah Bahh

KM is dressed like Bahh, including matching tights and wrestling barefoot since Scarlett Bordeaux thought they should try things Bahh’s way for a change.  Rohit Raju is in with Bahh, and Bahh no-sells everything and runs Raju over with a shoulderblock and a legdrop to the back of the neck.  Singh tags in and walks right into a crossbody from Bahh.  KM tags in promptly gets his knee clipped by Raju.  KM fires back with some chops, lays them both out, and makes the hot tag.  Bahh cleans house on both men, crushes each with a corner avalanche, and vertical drops on Singh.  Raju jumps on Bahh’s back, but Bahh backs into the corner and then splash Singh with Raju still on his back.  Steamroller time, then they ram the Babalu Brothers into each other, and KM nearly kills Raju with Project Ciampa before Bahh hits the Banzai Drop for the win.

Winners: KM & Fallah Bahh

Back on the winning track!  But the poor Desi Arnaz Hit Squad will undoubtedly be starved for weeks in a panther cage or something by Gama Singh.

Grado and crew are backstage and Katarina is not happy, but Hendry points out how one time he came in last in some race back home, but he trained for a full year and, next time around, came in second to last.  Hendry says slow and steady wins the race (if not THAT race), and Hendry and Katarina leave, but then Scarlett’s music hits and she just happens to be right behind him with smoke machines and everything.  She asks what’s wrong, and he has a breakdown over this whole thing, and she offers to bring him on her show and fix all her woman problems if she does something for her.  The scene changes to Scarlett sitting in a strip club that’s empty except for Grado in his underwear dancing on the pole while Bobo is chomping on popcorn and looking WAY too excited.  He comes over to booty shake for Scarlett, and she slaps him on the rear…and sends him crashing headfirst onto the floor behind her.  I honestly have no words for what I just watched.

Kiera Hogan vs Alisha Edwards

They trade pinfall attempts, then Alisha boots Kiera in the face and lays her out with a running clothesline.  Allie looks concerned at ringside as Alisha hammers Kiera with forearms in the corner, followed by a neckbreaker for 2.  Kiera mounts a comeback and lays Alisha out with a hard clothesline for 2.  Alisha blocks a kick, slaps Kiera, and hits Eddie’s backpack driver for 2.  Don says “Well, at least she got something out of the marriage!”  Alisha blocks another kick, picks the legs, and goes for a Boston crab, but doesn’t have the power to turn her.  Kiera breaks free and hits the swinging fisherman suplex for 3.

Winner: Kiera Hogan

Match was okay.  Allie comes in after the match to celebrate, then gets a mic and says that was amazing, and she’s so proud of her.  She doesn’t want to take away from her moment, but she has something to get off her chest.  Kiera says “SAY IT! SAY IT!”  Allie tells Su Yung that she took Madison, she took her best friend Rosemary, and forced her into the darkness, and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t change her, but it also showed Allie her purpose, which is to put an end to Su Yung.  Every time she tries to do that, she has to look over her shoulder for Tessa Blanchard, so she decided the best thing to do is get both of them in front of her at the same time, so she challenges both of them to settle it all in a triple threat match.

Johnny Impact is at what appears to be a Burn Notice set doing an interview with some guy when Kongo Kong runs out of nowhere and attacks him.  Nobody saw a crazed savage coming in and called security?  Kong charges, but Impact sidesteps and sends Kong into the pool.  Okay.

Alicia interviews Rich Swann, who signed with Impact and explains that everyone is buzzing about Impact Wrestling.  Well, that’s technically true.  His goal is to win the  X Division Title, and he watched some greats hold that title, and he wants to be a part of that because they inspired the way he wrestles.  He’s facing Petey Williams next week, and he’s excited about that because he wants to beat him and set his foot in stone beside all the names he just mentioned.

Pentagon Jr cuts a promo on Sami Callihan.  Zero fiero.

Alicia is backstage with Killer Kross and Austin Aries, who says he thought he knocked some sense into Moose, but he put himself right back in harm’s way.  The first time he crushed Moose’s dreams, and this time, he and Killer Kross will end it all for him.  If the BFFs are back together, he wants to settle it all in the ring in a tag match next week.  Kross says one week…ONE WEEK.

Trevor Lee vs Mr Atlantis & Brandon Tidwell

Tidwell immediately finds himself on the receiving end of some double teams, and the Cult of Lee double Beells him across the ring before working Atlantis over.  Eli Drake has joined the announce team for this match.   Lee hits the Dummy elbow on Tidwell, and Konley goes for the Gravy Train, but Tidwell slips out and rolls Konley up for the win.

Winners: Mr Atlantis & Brandon Tidwell

Drake says this is what happens when people think they’re as cool as Eli Drake.  He gets a laugh that Lee and Konley just lost to “these two idiots off the street.”

Time for the latest from LAX, who come back to their hood with the belts to a welcome reception from their crew.  They tell the guys with 40s that they said they’d bring respect back to the block, then give the belts to some kid as we see ominous footage of the OGz cruising in a car making “glack glack” motions with their hands.  Back to LAX, who has a big surprise for everyone in his car, including the kid.  Suddenly a car blows past and everyone manages to get out of the way…everyone except Richie, the kid with the belts.  We go to Richie’s “Abraham getting beaten to death cam” view of everyone surrounding him to try and help as he blacks out.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, and then…IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!

Mexican Deathmatch: Pentagon Jr vs Sami Callihan

They start brawling right away, and Pentagon gets the better of that.  He takes Sami’s padded vest off, and Sami yells at him to come on as Pentagon lays into him with a chop.  Sami says “AGAIN!” and gets another one, this time sending him crumpling to the mat.  There are chairs littering the ring as Pentagon puts the boots to Sami in the corner, then takes the chairs to set up a chair platform, but Sami powerbombs him through the chairs and covers for 2.  Sami sets up a table against the barricade and tries to suplex Pentagon out of the ring and through it, but Pentagon blocks, knocks Sami to the floor, and hits a dive that sends both of them through the table as we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Pentagon…has a pinata.  He superkicks Sami in the face, then uses the pinata to beat Sami with it.  He opens the pinata and inside is…a staplegun.  He stalks Sami, Sami tells him to wait, then spits in his face and tells him to come on.  Pentagon obliges with three staple shots, and Sami tells him to come on again, so Pentagon gives him a couple more, then staples Sami’s hat to his head.  Then does it again, then tries to rip the hat off, but THE STAPLES HOLD IT ON.  He succeeds the second time and then hits a lungblower for 2.  Pentagon gets another pinata, opens it up, and inside is…an electric razor!  So Sami’s already bald…I hope he doesn’t try to manscape him.  Well, we never find out what Pentagon intends because Sami give him the groin claw and dumps him out to the floor.  Sami sets up a second table against the barricade, and he goes to powerbomb Pentagon through it, but Pentagon blocks and fires off some hard kicks.  Sami responds by whipping a trash can at Pentagon’s head, then grabs another pinata, which contains…a baseball bat.  YAY!  Sami puts the trash can over Pentagon’s head and then bashes the can with the bat.  He puts the can back over his head and does it again, but then Pentagon headbutts him with the can, gives him another can shot for good measure, then gives Sami a running death valley driver through that table.  Pentagon covers on the floor for 2.  Pentagon opens another pinata and pours out…Legos?  Sami escapes the package piledriver, throws some Legos in his face, and hits his own package piledriver for 2.  Pentagon pops right back up, punts Sami in the uprights, and hits a package piledriver on the Legos.  Pentagon brings table #3 into the ring, and the fans chant that they want fire, which is all we need at this point.  Pentagon slumps Sami on the table and goes up top, but Sami is up, beats Pentagon in the face with a couple of the pinatas, goes up top, thumbs Pentagon in the eye, and gives him a short piledriver off the top through the table, and covers for the win.

Winner: Sami Callihan

This was just ridiculous…on the one hand they beat each other mercilessly, but on the other hand, they treated LEGOS like a serious near-fall spot.  Oh, this company.


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