It’s the go-home episode of Impact before Slammiversary, and after the usual look back at last week’s episode, we go right to the ring for our opening match…
Petey Williams vs Killer Kross
Petey approaches Kross slowly and fires off some strikes, but doesn’t register on Kross, who picks Petey up and rams him into the corner. Kross absorbs all of Petey’s shots, but Kross picks a single leg, then gets the waistlock and pops Petey over with a suplex. Kross smiles at Petey as he stalks him, then Beells him to the opposite corner. Petey with some right hands, but Kross CATCHES HIS HAND WITH HIS CHIN, then hits an exploder suplex. Kross yells at Petey to come on and asks if that’s all he’s got, and Petey responds with a hard right hand to the face. Petey dodges a charge, and Kross collapses onto the ropes. Petey with a slingshot Codebreaker and a tilt-a-whirl DDT. Petey is feeling it and goes for the Canadian Destroyer, but Kross sits out and hits the Doomsday Driver, then he hoists Petey back to his feet and puts Petey out with the Kross Jacket. The ref goes to check the arm, but Kross warms him off, then looks down on Petey, who is motioning for him to bring it. Kross is taking an awful lot of time to taunt Petey, then literally bends over to give Petey a shot to hit the Destroyer. Petey tries, but Kross just stands up with Petey on his back and hits an Alabama Slam, then goes back to the Kross Jacket, and this time the ref stops the match.
Winner: Killer Kross
Kross keeps the hold after the match, and one glare from Kross sends the ref scurrying out to the floor when he tries to intervene. Kross finally lets Petey go, collects his jacket, and places his calling card on Petey’s chest. Solid opener.
We go to Josh and Don who talk about stuff, and we’re at commercial.
Grado finds his pal Joe Hendry backstage during a photo shoot and subtly accuses him of flirting with Katarina, but Hendry assures him that it’s all just Eli Drake putting things in his head. One of the pics shows Hendry and Katarina smiling at each other while Grado looks unconvinced.
Desi Hit Squad vs KM & Fallah Bahh
Bahh no sells offense from Rohit Raju, who just bounces off of him when he tries a crossbody. Bahh hits a crossbody of his own, but a chepshot to KM allows the DHS to double team Bahh and take control of the match. Bahh quickly fights out of their corner and tags KM in to clean house. KM with a slingshot splash for 2, and the DHS avoids getting rammed into each other, but stop to hug and allow KM and Bahh to hit sandwich avalanches, then Bahh hits the steamroller. KM does one of his own, then each man does another for good measure. Bahh goes for the Banzai Drop, but Rahit maneuvers KM to the floor and rakes Bahh’s eyes, leading to a rollup on Bahh with feet on the ropes for the win.
Winners: Desi Hit Squad
I’m really not buying the Desi Hit Squad, but KM is awesome as such a goofy heel that he can’t help but be a babyface.
We see a video package of Konnan on the streets with LAX, interspersed with shots of the history of LAX and the OGz, and a few aerial views of the Brooklyn Bridge for icing.
Eli Drake vs Joe Hendry
Hendry gets a mic before the match and says that Drake has been running his mouth and spreading rumors about he and his friends, but he has a music video that he shares of weird footage of Eli Drake dressing up in all kinds of disturbing outfits with Hendry doing the vocals. Drake starts by laughing it off, then lays Hendry out and grabs the mic, thanks him for the plug, and goes back to putting the boots to him as Josh tells us that Eli’s YouTube channel includes a lot of videos of him doing weird comedy skits. I think I’ll pass on that one. Anyway, Drake goes back to working Hendry over, but Hendry connects with a high knee and a big vertical suplex. Hendry misses a Stinger Splash and Drake hits a neckbreaker. He stops to razz Grado and Katarina before hitting a snap suplex on Hendry for 2. Drake with another neckbreaker, but Hendry makes the fiery babyface comeback and hits a DDT for 2. Drake goes for the Gravy Train, but Hendry slips out and gets a rollup for the win.
Winner: Joe Hendry
This was my first time seeing Hendry, I liked him, real solid worker. Hendry and Grado hug and jump up and down, then Hendry and Katarina do the same thing…for WAAAAAAAAAAY longer. They head to the back with Katarina on both men’s arms. I think the only way to solve this is the Chasing Amy finish.
Andrew Everett and Desmond Xavier come out for a match, but Eddie Edwards runs in before it starts and absolutely unloads on the ref with a kendo stick as Xavier and Everett head for the hills. He cuts a really over the top crazy promo, complete with maniacal laughter, saying that the time has come, because this Sunday, they will face off one on one. He doesn’t care about the stipulation or what they want to call the match, because he can tell him right now what’s going to happen. PAIN, Tommy…PAIN. There’s going to be violence, and there’s going to be blood, SO much blood, and it’s going to be beautiful. He is coming to make him BLEED. The crowd starts chanting for Tommy, but Eddie continues that he is going to lay Tommy in a pool of his own blood, then he’s going to kneel down, touch his bloody face, feel his blood in his hands, taste his blood, and at that moment, he will look up and realize that HE IS THE TRUE INNOVATOR OF VIOLENCE! (Some kid in the crowd yells “No you’re not!”) At Slammiversary, he is going to be his neverending NIGHTMAAAAAAAAAAAAARE. Eddie rolls onto his back and…makes a snow angel on the mat. Okay.
We look back at last week when Su Yung captured Madison Rayne in the dark forest, and now…THE STORY CONTINUES! Madison wakes up in a comfy chair in a funeral parlor, with memorial pictures and videos of herself all around. She walks up to the casket and hesitantly opens it, and inside she sees…HERSELF! Wow, what a surprise. Well, Madison seems pretty upset anyway. A parlor employee comes to check on her, but when she looks up at him, he’s wearing Su Yung facepaint and telling her that her time has come! Madison runs into the main foyer where a little girl asks her where her mommy is, then she suddenly has the facepaint as well and tells Madison that HER TIME HAS COME. Madison has a kaleidoscope trip before waking back up in a field outside of the dark forest. She looks around in pure terror and then BLOOD POURS OUT OF THE SKY ON HER! Madison is totally freaking out as Su Yung and her bridesmaids appear out of thin air behind her, and Su Yung reasserts that HER TIME HAS COME!
I honestly don’t know what they could have in hour two to follow that up.
We see a video package of the history between Sami Callihan and Pentagon Jr, and that takes us right into…
Sami Callihan vs Greg Osborne
The announcers tell us that Osborne is from Australia, but we didn’t need them to since Osborne helpfully brought a boomerang to the ring with him. It doesn’t help, because Callihan quickly takes him to the corner and hits a facewash. Osborne fires back, but Callihan goes to the eyes and hits a Cactus piledriver. Callihan puts a Pentagon Jr mask on Osborne, then grabs a mask and leads the fans in a Pentagon chant before saying something that gets bleeped out. He boots Osborne in the face, then calls Pentagon a dumbass for challenging him to a hair vs mask match. He re-accepts, then says that since everyone online talks smack on his hair (which is news to me), he asks Osborne if he (as Pentagon) wants to see him lose his hair. Sami superkicks him in the face before he can answer, then Sami says he’s had enough fun, and now, Sami’s gonna kill you. Sami hauls Osborne back to his feet and hits the Jay Driller shoulderbreaker for the win.
Winner: Sami Callihan
More of an angle than a match. Sami brutalized the kid, not much to it. All three members of oVe work Osborne over after the match and toss him to the floor, then Sami says that Impact management wants him to come out and put over the PPV so they can make some money since they know he’s the draw. So, on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, it’s him and Pentagon Jr in a Hair vs Mask match. Gee, I wonder who’s winning. Pentagon cuts a video promo at this point to tell us that he will demonstrate that Impact is his house because he’s Pentagon Jr. oVe is so stunned by this that all three of them run to the back to find him.
Allie is backstage saying she feels sorry for Tessa Blanchard, and she keeps talking about being a third generation wrestler, but what did she learn from her family? Tessa’s a great wrestler, but so is she, and she’s something more than that. Kiera Hogan comes in and asks if she’s ready, and they do OHYMGODOHYMGODOHYMGOD out of the picture.
Moose is backstage, and he’s…CALLING OUT AUSTIN ARIES!
We see a video package looking at Tessa Blanchard’s history in Impact, then we go to our next match…
Tessa Blanchard & Shotzi Blackheart vs Allie & Kiera Hogan
Tessa takes Kiera to the ropes and shoves her around a bit, and Kiera repsonds with a rollup for 2, then a snapmare and superkick to Tessa’s face. Kiera with a bulldog, and Tessa quickly scoots to the corner to tag out. Shotzi doesn’t have much better luck, quickly getting tossed to the floor as Josh points out what an interesting mix of characters we have in this match. Kiera hits a dive through the ropes onto Shotzi, then Allie tags in to make a face at Tessa and hit a sliding lariat to Shotzi. Allie with a corner clothesline and snap suplex on Shotzi for 2. Tessa yells at Shotzi to not mess this up for her, but that doesn’t help much. What does help is Tessa superkicking Kiera behind the ref’s back, and now Kiera is in trouble. Tessa tags in and they big boot each other in the face, and both make tags. Allie is in and cleaning house on Shotzi, hitting a diving forearm and a Russian legsweep on Shotzi for 2. Tessa is in the ring going face to face with Allie, but finds herself surrounded when Kiera comes in. She takes too long mouthing off to Kiera and eats a superkick from Allie, and rolls out to the floor while Shotzi hits Allie with a rolling neckbreaker for 2. Allie connects with a superkick to Shotzi, and Shotzi crawls to her corner, but Tessa hops off the apron and says she didn’t sign up for this, and it’s Shotzi’s problem. Allie quickly hits Shotzi with a Codebreaker for the win.
Winners: Allie & Kiera Hogan
Boy, they’re really making Tessa look like a million bucks since she’s come here.
oVe is backstage, and they’re…LOOKING FOR PENTAGON JR!We’re in mini-movie mode with dramatic music as we see them combing the stairwells and catacombs of the building, when Sami suddenly finds himself alone. The Crists are nowhere to be found, and Sami realizes that…IT’S ON.
It’s video package time! Scarlett Bordeaux is coming to Impact! Johnny Impact is returning to Impact! Josh and Don talk about stuff! Matt Sydal explains why he’s beating Brian Cage at Slammiversary! Get your insurance from the General and Shaq! I mean, we’re at commercial!
Back to the bowels of the building, where the Crists startle each other when they bump into each other in a hallway. They find “Pentagon Jr” sitting in a chair and attack him, only to realize it’s Sami Callihan with his hands tied and a Pentagon mask on. The lights flicker and Pentagon appears behind them, and lays the Crists out and breaks their arms before pulling on Sami’s hair and informing him politely that it’s coming off at Slammiversary.
It’s time for our main event promo! Moose comes out and says he’s purposely been away for weeks to train for the biggest match of his life, and if Austin Aries thinks his mind games will get to him, then he must have been eating too many bananas. He says let’s cut to the chase, and tells Aries to bring his little (unkind word) ass out to the ring now, and bring a banana because he’s shoving it right up his ass. Someone has a potty mouth! Aries isn’t coming, so Moose goes to find him when Aries appears on the screen and says he’s not showing up just because he’s there, and he’s the belt collector for a reason. He asks how DeAngelo is doing, then says he’s not coming out there, and Moose will have t owait for Slammiversary to get him in the ring. One piece of advice: until Slammiversary, Moose should have eyes in the back of his head. Aries suddenly comes out of the crowd (the video was prerecorded! What a ruse!), low blows Moose, and works him over with a chair. Aries plays to the crowd, but Moose is up and Aries suddenly realizes Moose is behind him. He slowly turns around and Moose picks him up by the neck and throws him into the corner, but Aries ducks a while swing from the chair, grabs his belt, and heads for the hills. Moose stands tall as the participants in our Slammiversray main event stare each other down as we call it a night with one final video package to wrap the show.
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