We start off with our usual look back at last week’s episode, then we head to the ring for our opening match…
OGz vs Two Jobbers
The OGz are Homicide and Hernandez, aka the original LAX. I don’t know who the guys they’re facing are, but it really doesn’t matter because they beat them down from the moment the bell rings. Homicide with a second rope Ace Crusher on one, Hernandez gives the other the Border Toss, and it’s over just like that.
Winners: OGz
Well, I guess if you wanna make a statement! Homicide says something that gets bleeped out, then Eddie Kingston gets the mic to tell us a little story. Konnan, the old man, had to go. It’s not his time anymore, and they thank and appreciate him, but it’s time to hit the road. He got tired of waiting, so he decided to take him out. He has to give him credit because he is a smart man, so he decided to stay two steps ahead of Konnan, and that’s where Homicide and Hernandez come in. Do we think Homicide wanted to be left at a strip club in Mexico? Hernandez was sitting at home not getting a call from Konnan when he called up the two young boys because they would follow Konnan. Those young boys are in for trouble, because the OGz are multi-time tag champs, but they don’t care about titles right now. All they care about is taking out the young boys and Konnan, so at Slammiversary, they’re going to make them pay because it’ll be a 5150 streetfight, and Konnan better remember that when you come after the King, you better not miss.
Tonight: DeAngelo Williams has an update for us on Moose, and we’ll have a sit down interview with Madison Rayne, and a super lucha six man main event!
We go backstage to Alicia, who’s with Shotzi Blackheart. She’s got anime green hair, tattoos, and a motorcycle helmet with horns on it. She’s here to prove she’s no phony baloney, prove she’s the badass she thinks she is, and this mango is ready to tango. Allie is her target, and she wants to know who our daddy is. We get a short video package of her before we go to commercial.
We look at all the attention DeAngelo Williams brought to Impact since his involvement with Moose was announced, then we go to the oVe cam. Sami says their opponents are screwed because they are the best trio in the world today. Just days before Slammiversary when he puts Pentagon out of his misery, takes his mask, and makes him suffer the biggest humiliation anyone can imagine.
Shotzi Blackheart vs Allie
Shotzi howls at Allie, then they tie up and trade armdrags before Shotzi plants her boot square in Allie’s abdomen. Allie comes back with a shoulderblock and twisting elbowdrop, but Shotzi ducks underneath her and gets a modified Muta Lock with a surfboard thrown in, then rolls her into a backslide for 2. They trade chops, but then Allie knocks Shotzi on her butt against the ropes and connects with a sliding forearm. Shotzi dodges a corner charge and Allie hits hard, and Shotzi follows in with a rolling cannonball for 2. Shotzi with a series of kicks for 2, then a rolling neckbreaker and a senton for 2. Another senton attempt by Shotzi finds no water in the pool, and Allie begins to fire back with forearms, clotheslines, and a side Canadian legsweep for 2. Allie with a release German suplex for a close 2. Shotzi with a hair takedown and then she goes up top, but takes too long and misses whatever, and Allie quickly hits a Codebreaker for the win.
Winner: Allie
Really good match, and a terrific first showing by Shotzi, there’s definitely something to her. Tessa Blanchard runs out and jumps Allie on her way to the back, throws her into the ring, and plants her with the hammerlock DDT.
Grado is backstage with his entourage, and they find Eli Drake backstage, and Grado tries to chum around with him, but Eli starts hitting on Katarina instead. Grado takes offense to that, and says that he’ll wrestle him tonight if that’s what he wants. Grado and company leave, and Drake says he’d rather wrestler her than him.
DeAngelo Williams is backstage, and he’s…HIGH FIVING DJ Z AND ANDREW EVERETT!
Tessa Blanchard is backstage, and she says that since she got to Impact, she’s been chasing the Knockouts Championship, and Madison got in her way. While she was handling that, here comes Allie to make the save and do the right thing. That’s just Allie, isn’t it? Where has doing the right thing gotten her? Her best friend dead, and her in a coffin. She’s going to teach Allie that doing the right thing is the wrong thing for her.
Tommy Dreamer will take on Eddie Edwards at Slammiversary, and here’s a video package reminding us of their history.
A kaleidoscope-looking promo video informs us that some lady with huge high heels who likes flipping her hair back is coming to Impact.
Austin Aries is backstage, and he says that the days are ticking down until Slammiversary, and Moose is doing the hardest training of his life, and trying to stay focused, but he’ll never beat Aries. After weeks of hype, some washed-up football player, and he’s not talking about Moose, a different washed-up football player is here tonight to give us an update on his progress. He’s been waiting for this, and as the ambassador of Impact Wrestling, he’s going to give DeAngelo a great welcome, and he’s really looking forward to it.
The Global Wrestling Network takes us back to Gail Kim taking on Taryn Terrell at Slammiversary a few years ago.
Josh Mathews is in the ring hyping Slammiversary, and there’s a Marty Scurll impostor in the crowd behind him. He talks about Moose’s dream of becoming World Champion, then introduces DeAngelo Williams. Josh asks him what he’s been up to since last year’s Slammiversary, and Williams says not much other than training with Moose, who he says has dropped weight and added muscle, and he thinks he’s got a great chance because the guy he’s going against is trash. Josh shows us footage DeAngelo brought along of Moose training for Slammiversary, then asks if Moose is ready for Slammiversary. DeAngelo says he knows for a fact that Moose is ready to take out Austin Crybabies. Speaking of the champion, he comes out to have a heart-to-heart with DeAngelo. He keeps hearing about how DeAngelo Williams is going to come to his Impact Wrestling and his ring, and thanks DeAngelo for dressing up for the occasion. He’s surprised to see him here, because he thought it’s training season and the NFL is about to start, then remembers that DeAngelo forced him to retire because nobody wanted his services, just like Moose. Well, he had a great career since he won the Super Bowl. Oh wait, he never did, just like Moose, so now he’s stepping into his ring to try and stay relevant, just like Moose. Aries knows DeAngelo is trying to do a good thing for his friend, and he appreciates that, so he wants him to deliver a message for his friend, and it’s a real simple message. Aries leans right in on him, and suckerpunches him with the mic, then puts the boots to him. Aries grabs a chair from ringside and takes a swing, but DeAngelo ducks, knocks Aries flat, and grabs the chair. He goes to hit Aries with it, but Aries kicks him in the ding ding, then grabs the chair and smashes it over DeAngelo’s back. He stands on the prone DeAngelo’s back and holds the belt up.
KM is backstage telling Fallah Bahh that if he didn’t prove himself last week with Killer Kross, he doesn’t know what will, and he asks if they’re good. That’s good enough for Fallah Bahh, but the Great Gama comes in with the Desi Hit Squad and cuts a promo on them. KM says Gama must not know who they are, but if they want some of this, they can get some of this. Gama says this is typical of North Americans: one can’t control what goes in his mouth, and the other can’t control what comes out of it.
Eli Drake vs Grado
Drake jumps Grado before the bell, and pretty much beats him down mercilessly. Grado catches Drake with a flying headscissors out of nowhere, then gets a big backdrop and unloads with some Dusty Rhodes punches and the bionic elbow. Grado with an avalanche in the corner, but Drake comes out with a clothesline that nearly rips his head off. Drake hoists Grado up and hits the Gravy Train, and that’s all she wrote.
Winner: Eli Drake
Pretty much a squash. Katarina and Joe Hendry come in to check on Grado, and Drake comes over to hit on Katarina, but Hendry gets between them. Drake appears to start suggesting that Joe and Katarina have a little side thing, and puts that bug in Grado’s ear on his way out of the ring. I’m sure Grado, being the all-night sucker that he is, will believe every word of it.
Killer Kross is backstage saying he was in the process of having a real good time when Petey Williams interjected himself into a situation that had nothing to do with him. If he wants to play hero, he can play hero, and we know what happens to people who play hero. Petey should feat what happens when he finds him again, because he will.
Alicia is backstage with Matt Sydal, and asks if he’s outmatched against Brian Cage at Slammiversary. Sydal asks if her third eye is closed, because the mismatch is in his favor. Cage sees things completely mechanically, but we live in an organic world. Machines fall apart, but organic things come back. Cage thinks size and muscles matter, but if that was the case, he’d have no career. The muscle he flexes the most is his third eye, and itchanges the power dynamic in the match. It’s a mental and spiritual advantage, and at Slammiversary, the spotlight will be on him because it’s what’s inside that counts, and at Slammiversary, we won’t even need a third eye to watch him walk out with the X Division Title. Cage thinks everything is about how it looks on the outside, but it’s the heart, spirit, and open third eye that counts. He isn’t attached to the title, it’s attached to him, and it’s going nowhere.
Moose is on the phone, and he heard what happened to DeAngelo Williams, and Aries screwed up because he attacked his friend. Next week, he’ll be in the Impact Zone, and paybacks are a b****.
We go to a sit-down interview where Alicia asks Madison Rayne to talk about her comeback. Madison didn’t come back here to wrestle, but now she’s the #1 contender for the Knockouts Title, and could become a six-time champion at Slammiversary. She starts to talk about Su when she hears weird whispering noises. We go to our horror movie effects as Madison wanders around looking for the source of the noises, then comes back to the interview set and…ALICIA IS GONE. Behind her is a hanging bed sheet with blood splattered all over it andweird stuff scrawled on it. She sees a bride dress tail sliding out the door behind her, so she chases it…AND THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT BEHIND HER. She frantically tries to open the door and finally does…and we go to commercial.
And with that…IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!
oVe vs Rich Swann, Pentagon Jr & Fenix
This is under tornado rules, which means all six men can be in the ring at once and no tags are needed. Pentagon and Sami go face to face, and right away all six men start superkicking each other. This is going to be one of those kinds of matches. Back and forth between Sami and Swann ends with them laying each other out with stereo Yakuza kicks. Fenix and Pentagon take out the Crists with a flurry of double team moves, and Pentagon covers Dave for 2. Sami kicks out Pentagon’s knee, then suplexes Fenix on top of him. Fenix fires back with some shots, then Sami turns him inside out with a clothesline. Fenix rolls to the apron, Sami knocks him to the floor with a springboard clothesline, but misses a slide to the floor. Swann wipes Sami and Dave out with a dive, then Jake takes Fenix out with some superkicks and hits a dive that wipes the other four men in the match on the floor. I bet Fenix is gonna do one now, then we’ll go to commercial. Sure enough, Fenix hits a twisty dive that takes out his opponents and partners, then Swann somehow gets up before everyone and goes to the top, and Dave superplexes him onto the floor, and all six men are down. Okay, NOW we go to commercial.
We’re back, and Fenix is in the wrong part of town. They do a tower of doom spot, then they do “everyone takes turns hitting big spots”, then Sami and Pentagon take turns hitting hard strikes, Pentagon hits the Pentagon Driver, and Sami kicks out at 2. Back to everyone hitting spots, Fenix hits a double stomp on Jake on the apron, Pentagon hits a Pentagon Driver on Dave on the apron, Sami blocks a super Frankensteiner by Swann and hits a Jay Driller/shoulderbreaker combo for the win.
Winners: oVe
Cookie cutter lucha match that the announcers try and put over as one of the greatest six man lucha matches ever. I think lucha agents must have the easiest job in the world.
Back to Madison, who opens the door to discover…A FOREST WHERE THE IMPACT ZONE ONCE WAS! She wanders out into the night time darkness as a bride’s dress starts chasing her. She freaks when branches brush against her face, and she stumbles into a clearing to be surrounded by…UNDEAD BRIDESMAIDS! Instead of running, she lets them surround her until suddenly…THEY’RE NOT THERE! She looks around in confusion…but then Su Yung rises from out of the ground behind her! She laughs maniacally, then emits a demonic voice that says “YOUR TIME HAS COME!” Su reaches out ad Madison and…the show comes to a close.
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