Impact Wrestling Results (1/14)

Impact Wrestling Results (1/14)

We start off with a look back at the events of Sunday’s Hard To Kill, then we head right to the ring for our opening match…

The Rascalz vs Desi Hit Squad vs TJ Perkins & Daga vs Reno Scum

Everyone takes turns hitting spots on each other. Then everyone takes turns hitting dives to the floor. Then everyone takes turns hitting finisher spots in the ring. Then Shera hits Desmond Xavier with a sky high for the win.

Winners: Desi Hit Squad

Seen one of these matches, you’ve seen them all.

Moose is backstage and says that he proved the Gore is irrelevant, because he showed everyone he is a walking legend. Tonight, he’s going to prove again that he’s the greatest three-sport athlete of all time when he gets in the ring with Fallah Bahh, Eddie Edwards and Ace Austin.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we look back at the X Division Title match at Hard To Kill.

We go backstage to Ace Austin, who is on the phone telling his agent that his price just went up because he’s a star now. He hangs up and says Aces up, and walks off.

We look back at Bash At The Brewery a couple days before Hard To Kill, when Rich Swann blew his knee out, taking him out of Hard To Kill. We then see Willie losing a 2-on-1 affair to the North at Hard To Kill. Finally we go to Rich Swann backstage trying to talk to Willie, who says he can’t keep holding Swann down. Swann says he can’t act like a failure because he’s not, and he had the whole world thinking he was about to win the title by himself. Anytime Willie feels down, he wants him to go bacck and look at his performance at Hard To Kill and realize he’s one of the best in the industry. Swann’s proud of him, and when he is healed up, there won’t be any stopping them.

Next up, we go to the hotel room where Katie Forbes is lighting candles and saying the celebration is going to be SOOOOOO big.

Eddie Edwards is backstage reminiscing about his match with Michael Elgin, and he won his trophy back in the end, and he came out on top. Tonight in Philadelphia, in the most extreme arena in the world, he’s going to stay on track when he comes out on top of the four way match.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we go back to the finish of the Elgin-Edwards match. Josh and Don talk about more stuff, then we see a video package of Elgin in Japan getting re-centered. Josh and Don talk about more stuff, then they take us back to Rob Van Dam vs Brian Cage never getting off the ground, and then RVD beating Daga in Cage’s place. Now we go to RVD in the hotel room, sitting on the bed covered in rose petals. He says he knows it looks like he’s always celebrating, and that’s because every day is a party. Tonight is special because they’re celebrating a huge victory since RVD put a stop to the machine. Katie comes in all scantily clad and says they should be living in the now, and the only person he should be worried about wrestling is her. They pour some champagne and RVD says he’s still crushing it in the ring, making more money than everyone in the dressing room, he has a smoking hot girl, and his smoking hot girl has a smoking hot girl. Speaking of his girlfriend’s girlfriend, here comes Jennifer, and it’s time for happy celebration! The two bikini-clad ladies decide they’re overdressed and go to get into something more comfortable, and he tells the marks it’s got to be great watching him get better and better, even though they’re all a bunch of Al Bundys who peaked in high school, when they thought he peaked in ECW. Jennifer asks what ECW is (RVD says she wasn’t even born then), then Katie says it’s time to stop talking. Jennifer takes her top off, and we experience technical difficulties while a three way ensues.

Tessa Blanchard is backstage, and she’s… GETTING COIFFED!

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we look back at the history between Ken Shamrock and oVe. We get comments from Shamrock after he defeated Fulton at Hard To Kill, as he analyzes how the match went down, and says Fulton could be amazing if Sami wasn’t in his ear.

The Impact Plus flashback this week is Kurt Angle facing Jeff Jarrett years ago.

Johnny Swinger is at the arcade hitting on a girl and playing the Ted Nugent pinball game that isn’t even on as it turns out.

Joey Ryan vs Johnny Swinger

Joey offers to let Swinger touch his (ding ding), but Swinger goes to an armbar instead. Ryan reverses, but Swinger pulls free. Swinger teases like he’s going to touch it, but suckerpunches Ryan instead. Swinger hits an inverted atomic drop, but that hurts Swinger’s knee and Joey no-sells. Swinger stomps Ryan out instead, and we proceed with an 80s heat segment that ends when Swinger tries a diving headbutt to Joey’s ding ding, and ends up ringing his own bell. Joey mounts a fiery babyface comeback, Swinger tries a rollup with his feet on the ropes, but the ref catches him at 2. Joey counters the swinging neckbreaker to…well, he puts Swinger’s hand on his ding ding and tosses him. The ref got bumped on that and can’t make the count, Swinger tries a low blow and hurts his arm, Joey pulls a lollipop out of his tights, sticks it in Swinger’s mouth, and superkicks him into next week for the win.

Winner: Joey Ryan

Entertaining little segment, they sure have a unique kind of chemistry.

We look back at the Knockouts Title match from Slammiversary, then Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we look back at Tessa Blanchard defeating Sami Callihan for the Impact World Title.

X Division Title Match: Moose vs Fallah Bahh vs Eddie Edwards vs Ace Austin

This match happened at House of Hardcore. Everyone fights in the ring, then Bahh and Moose trade shots, Bahh blocks a big chop from Moose and returns fire with one of his own. They continue trading shots and wipe each other out with a double clothesline. Eddie comes in with a flurry of Kobashi chops to everyone, Moose and Austin head to the floor, Bahh takes them out with a dive, and then Eddie hits a dive of his own as we go to commercial.

We’re back as Eddie hits a backpack driver on Austin for 2. Now everyone takes turns hitting spots on each other. Moose superplexes Bahh, and Austin moonsaults Moose for 2, covers Bahh for 2, and hits a leaping enziguiri on Edwards for 2. Now we all take turns hitting knockout strikes, and everyone is down as we go back to commercial.

We’re back, and Fallah Bahh is about to put Austin away with a Banzai drop, Moose and Eddie break that up, and Austin hits Bahh with a top rope blockbuster for the win.

Winner: Ace Austin

Solid main event for what basically amounts to a review show.

We look at the postmatch celebration after Tessa Blanchard won the Impact World Title, first in the ring with her family, then at the top of the ramp with the locker room, and then backstage where Scott D’Amore puts her over and says she deserves it.

Speaking of Tessa, she’s backstage, and she’s… SITTING! We’ll get comments from the new champion after this break!

Okay, we’re back and Josh is sitting with Tessa, and she says that oVe has been in her sights for the last nine months. She knew exactly who she was stepping in the ring with at Hard To Kill, but Sami didn’t have his boys there to have his back, and she came out on top as the first woman to ever be the Impact World Champion. Josh asks if she feels like she vanquished oVe, and she says no because Sami is upset, and there will be some kind of retaliation, but she accomplished something everyone said was impossible. Now she will be hunted, and none of this is happening by accident, it was always supposed to happen this way, and it feels right. Josh says Tessa is the best third generation wrestler today, and Tessa says she has always believed in herself, and she’ll wrestle the girls or guys…oh wait, Sami appears on a video screen I just noticed behind them. Sami says they’re sitting there kissing each other’s asses, but he’s been thinking for 48 hours, and listening about the history that was made. He is the only history maker in Impact Wrestling, like when he showed up in Impact two and a half years ago to pump blood into the company’s dead carcass. History was him taking Impact where it’s never been before, putting it on his back, and taking his rightful spot as the World Champion. Sami congratulates Tessa for getting what she wanted: Tessa as the face of the company, and as the World Champion. Tessa might be the champion they want, but he’ll be the champion everyone needs. Tessa better be ready because he’s never going to stop coming at her with everything he’s got. Tessa says this is over, but if he wants to go again, anyplace and anywhere will work for her. Sami says he’s not hard to find, and the camera zooms out and we see he’s…well, wherever she is. She goes running around the building looking for her, but now he’s somewhere else and on the screen again, saying that she won’t know when or where, and she’ll never see him coming.

We go to credits.


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