Michael Elgin arrives at the arena and says he’s not beating himself up over getting disqualified from the gauntlet match, but he’ll be beating someone up tonight over it.
Eddie Edwards vs Brian Cage
Well, this ought to be a lot of fun! Feeling out process to start, Brian Cage hits the ropes and Eddie lays out a chop, but Cage runs right through it and bowls Eddie over. Eddie sidesteps and dumps Cage to the floor and hits a flying headscissors on the outside. Eddie hammers Cage with some chops and then rolls Cage in, but Cage gets ahold of Eddie and hits the deadlift superplex for 2. Cage keeps up the pressure until Eddie reverses a suplex attempt and pops Cage over instead. Eddie with the Kobashi chops, but Cage just grabs Eddie by the neck and launches him into the corner. Eddie with a blue thunder bomb for 2. Eddie looks more like Jay Briscoe every time I see him. Cage with a pump handle suplex for 2. Eddie escapes an F5 and hits a leaping enziguiri, but Cage rips his head off with a hard lariat and both men are down. Michael Elgin suddenly decides to wander into the ring and take both men out with a double clothesline.
NO CONTEST
Elgin proceeds to beat up both men until a parade of officials run out to stop him. Josh informs us that this will become a three way match when we come back from commercial.
Okay, we’re back.
Eddie Edwards vs Brian Cage vs Michael Elgin
Big back and forth and forth to start until Eddie maneuvers both men to the floor and wipes Michael Elgin out with a dive. Cage back into the ring, and he hits a dive as well. They trade superkicks and big boots, Eddie hits a flying headscissors on Elgin, who turns it around with a German suplex, then one for Cage as well. Elgin dropkicks Eddie to the floor, clotheslines Cage out as well, then heads to the top and hits a twisting senton as we go back to commercial.
We’re back as Elgin crashes into Cage with a corner clothesline, then sits him on the top rope and goes for a superplex. Eddie comes in and powerbombs Elgin, then hits a backpack driver on Cage for 2. Eddie gets the half crab, Elgin knocks him out with a hard forearm, then Eddie gets a half crab on him. Now Cage plows over him with a hard elbow, then hits a pump handle flapjack for 2. Elgin ducks a roaring lariat and hits a dragon suplex on Cage, Eddie hits Cage with a leaping enziguiri, Elgin pops Eddie into the air and hits a powerslam, followed by a DDT on Cage, then rolls through into a falcon arrow suplex. HE DID THE DEAL! Cage kicks out at 2 (nobody kicks out of the falcon arrow!) Elgin goes for the Elgin Bomb but Cage picks him up and hits an Alabama Slam. Eddie hits Elgin with a Boston Knee Party, then a Tiger driver on Cage gets 2. Elgin with a Boss Man slam on Eddie, then Elgin and Cage plow into each other with clotheslines, then Elgin hits a tornado DDT on Cage, Eddie with a running kneestrike to Elgin’s back, then Cage with a roaring clothesline, and all three men are down. Cage puts Elgin on the top rope, then follows him up but Elgin shoves him off onto the top rope. Eddie knocks Elgin out with an enziguiri, then a springboard variety on Cage gets 2. Elgin goes for a German suplex on Elgin, Eddie rolls through with a victory roll for 2. Eddie flips through a German suplex attempt and gets one of his own on Elgin, who no-sells and then turns Eddie inside out with a lariat. Elgin buckle bombs Eddie into Cage, then hits the Elgin Bomb for the win.
Winner: Michael Elgin
And THAT was one hell of a match. Great, hard-hitting encounter that all three men came out of looking like a million bucks.
Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we go to the Treehouse where Trey is all mad about what was said about his momma on commentary. Trey’s momma comes in and says he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to come to ringside with him tonight. The live studio audience doesn’t like that, but Trey wants to handle this on his own. She thinks he’s embarrassed by her, and Trey says if it means that much to her, she can come to ringside with them tonight. After the match, she’s making Trey’s favorite: meatloaf.
Moose says he came up short in the gauntlet, but Muhammad Ali lost and he’s still a legend. He knows he’s the greatest multi-sport athlete of all time, and he’ll prove it on this basketball court he’s walking into. You know the drill, he intimidates the guys whose game he elbowed in on, then beats the crap out of them. He says maybe he should play basketball more often, and we pan wide to see that he stuffed one of the guys into the basketball hoop.
Josh is in the ring saying the wrestling world is a community and a family, and when tragedy strikes, they come to their aid. He says that all ticket proceeds tonight will go toward ODB’s food truck, and now he introduces her for the first time in a long time. Josh asks how good it feels to have the support of the company and the fans, and she says it feels good to be home. She takes a swig from the flask, she’s been food truckin’ for the last three years all around the country, and pullin’ a lot of pork. Her words. The food truck was going to be her life after wrestling, and getting the call made her want to vomit. Then she said she had insurance, but they wouldn’t help her out, but they can kiss her ass because she has her family here in Impact. She had no idea she was this loved, and for Impact to reach out to her, this has always been her home, and…oh wait, here comes Taya Valkyrie. She says to give ODB a round of applause and welcomes her back, then says she’s so sad about her story over her food truck. ODB is one of the most loved and intoxicated Knockouts in Impact Wrestling history, a four time Knockouts Champion (she corrects her and says it’s the Knocked Up Title), but Taya is the greatest Knockouts Champion of all time, and the longest reigning champion in company history. Taya says this is her show, and she spends more on spilled mimosas than ODB spends on barbecue sauce in a year. She can’t risk ODB getting her grubby hands on her championship, so she’ll be nice and donate to her IndieGoGo campaign so she can get a fire extinguihser for the next time her truck goes up in flames like her career. She tells ODB to get her McRib-smelling ass off her show, so ODB knocks her on her ass and hits a corner avalanche. Taya rolls out to the floor and heads for the hills.
We have a press conference for Hard To Kill when Tessa Blanchard challenges Sami Callihan for the Impact World Title. Tessa says she is a professional athlete, and everyone has seen what Sami Callihan is capable of, but he’s also one of the most talented wrestlers in the company and has been in her sights for the last eight months, and at Hard To Kill, she’s going to put this to rest. Sami says she doesn’t dislike Tessa because she’s a woman or because she had the world handed to her because of her last name. He spent fifteen years trying to get into this position, and Tessa just walks in and has it handed to her. He’s the hero here because he treated her like an equal. This isn’t history, this is Sami Callihan with another successful title defense en route to becoming the greatest Impact World Champion in history. At Hard To Kill, he’s going to crack her ******* skull. She gets in his face and this leads to a shoving match where Sami and Tessa have to be pulled apart.
Ace Austin & Reno Scum vs The Rascalz
Trey’s mom is at ringside as we get started. We do lots and lots of spots and spots. Desmond Xavier winds up in the wrong part of town and takes a 3-on-1 beating while Mrs Trey cheers him on from ringside. Dez finally superkicks Ace into next week, and finally makes the hot tag to Trey, who cleans house on the entire opposing team. Wentz and Dez come in for a series of double teams, Wentz takes out Luster with a springboard dive, Thornstowe takes Dez out with a dive, and Trey takes everyone out with a twisting dive. Trey goes to the top rope and is about to polish Thornstowe off when he sees Ace hitting on his mom. Luster breaks up the Rascalz finish, and Thornstowe rolls Wentz up for the win.
Winners: Ace Austin & Reno Scum
The usual spotfest was livened up somewhat by the novelty of the guy whose gimmick is that he bangs people’s wives and mothers, but that’s like saying your house is less on fire than it used to be.
Jordynne Grace finds ODB backstage, and she says she’s going to kick Taya’s ass. Jordynne says she just wanted to say she’s a fan, and donate to her cause. She hands ODB twenty bucks and leaves.
Johnny Swinger finds Joey Ryan backstage and suggests Joey run in and help him in his match tonight. Joey says he loves it and to count him in. Swinger leaves, and Joey is bored and goes back to his phone.
Rob Van Dam comes out with Katie Forbes, who gyrates while fondling RVD and then makes out with him. Then they get in the ring and make out some more. Katie says to the ladies, gentlemen, and wrestling fans, here is the Whole F’n Show, Rob Van Dam. More making out, then RVD says he feels obligated as the biggest star in the bedroom (Katie whispers in his ear and he acknolwedges that he is, indeed, big everywhere) to explain his recent action, but nobody here would understand unless they knew what it was like having everyone try to be like him. He gets it: if he weren’t RVD, he’d wish he was RVD too, but it’s another thing watching people try to be RVD right in front of RVD. People look at him like he should raise the bar further, as if he hasn’t done enough for this industry so far. Out comes Tommy Dreamer, who says RVD hasn’t returned a text or call since Bound For Glory. He suggests we do things old school next week and let RVD and Rhino settle it here in Queens. Tommy is trying to be Switzerland here, but RVD says Tommy is living in the past and he’s trying to move forward and show a new side of himself. Everytime the original hardcore guys get together, everyone gets excited, but Tommy’s kind of clinging on to him but holding him back, and it’s nothing personal but he has to think of himself, and he has a girlfriend and his girlfriend’s girlfriend to take care of. He’ll pass on the Rhino match, but he appreciates the offer. Rhino suddenly runs out and starts brawling with RVD until security runs out to separate them, and RVD takes Katie and heads for the hills.
Video package of Rich Swann’s performance from the gauntlet match, then we go backstage where Swann gets a standing ovation from everyone. Swann says it wasn’t his night, but it’s time for he and Willie to think about the tag team title. Cue the North, and Page says it blew his mind watching that, and says Swann’s the shining star in this company, and Willie might just be holding him back. Swann says they’re winning this tag team open, and then they’re winning the tag title. Swann tells Willie not to worry about it, but Willie seems unconvinced.
Fallah Bahh struggles through a backstage interview and then says he’s still here, and as long as he’s still here, we’re damn right he’s going to fight back.
The Impact Plus flashback takes us back to ODB vs Mickie James for the Knockouts Title from eons ago.
Jim Mitchell is backstage with Susie, and introduces her to Jessicka Havok, and says that as long as she plays by the rules, they’ll be the best of friends.
Johnny Swinger vs Petey Williams
Swinger goes for a handshake, Petey goes for it, then catches the boot Swinger tries to sneak into his ribs, then rolls him up for 2. Swinger complains about a pull of the tights, then flexes his pecs at Petey. Petey flexes his pecs back at Swinger, then hits a flying headscissors and a dropkick that sends him out to the floor. Swinger snaps his neck down on the top rope, then hits a fistdrop and several punches to the skull and then a diving headbutt to the perineum. (For those of you who listened to Stu & Pid this week, that makes twice that came up this week.) Swinger misses several elbowdrops, and Petey hits a slingshot Codebreaker, and a swinging Canadian legsweep. Petey sets up for the Canadian Destroyer, but Swinger slips free and motions to the back for Joey Ryan to run in. Nobody comes, so he goes for his swinging neckbreaker, but Petey counters to a Sharpshooter for the win.
Winner: Petey Williams
Fun little match, I really dig Swinger’s 80s schtick.
Josh and Don talk about stuff, and then…IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!
ODB vs Taya Valkyrie
ODB goes on the offensive right away, taking the fight to the champion and hitting a fallaway slam that sends Taya tumbling out to the floor. John E. Bravo steals ODB’s flask, but ODB hauls him up onto the apron, takes the flask back, offers him some, and he takes a swig…then some more, and finally ODB decides to cut him off, and shoves his face into her boobs instead. Taya tries to sneak in with a cheap clothesline, but ODB ducks and runs her over instead for a 2 count. ODB goes to the second rope, Taya grabs the ankle and yanks her out into the ring to turn the tide. Taya with a charging knee to ODB’s face for 2. ODB tries a corner charge but Taya moves out of the way, then hits a running butt to the face and grinds it into ODB for good measure. Taya with a double legdrop to ODB’s loading dock, then gets an STF of sorts. ODB makes it to the ropes, so Taya gets a curb stomp instead. Taya does LOCAAAAAAAA, then yells at ODB for wanting to come back here before bashing her face into the mat. Taya puts ODB on the top rope, ODB introduces Taya to her boobs, then hits a Thesz Press and a corner avalanche followed by a bronco buster. ODB gets the flask, John E. Bravo gets on the apron to distract her, they drink together some more, and Taya backjumps ODB and stomps her int oblivion. Taya yells at Bravo before hammering more forearms into ODB’s spine. Jordynne Grace comes out and grabs the Knockouts Title from Bravo, and ODB rolls Taya up for the win while she’s distracted.
Winner: ODB
Fun main event, and nice to see ODB back here, real feel-good moment. ODB toasts Jordynne as we call it a week.
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