Thursday, August 2, 2018

Impact Wrestling Results August 2, 2018

We start off with our usual video package looking back at last week's show, then we go right to the ring for our opening match...

Su Yung & Undead Maid of Honor vs Allie & Kiera Hogan

Allie and Kiera take out all the regular undead bridesmaids before jumping into the ring to kick the match off with an attack that drives Su and the UMoH to the floor.  The other bridesmaids lumber over so they're in position to take a dive from Allie.  It's Su and Kiera in the ring, but Allie comes in to uneven the odds, and they ping pong Su back and forth, unloading on her with strong strikes.  The UMoH comes in and blindsides Kiera, turning the tide.  Kiera is in peril for a few minutes before drilling UMoH with a dropkick and making the hot tag to Allie, who comes in and cleans house on Su.  Su blocks a Codebreaker, but Allie hits a superkick and covers for 2.  The UMoH comes in and hits a sort of inverted bulldog, but Kiera hits a Roll of the Dice, Su hits Kiera with the Panic Switch, tries it on Allie, but Allie gets out and hits the Codebreaker and pins Su for the win.

Winners: Allie & Kiera Hogan

Good opener, but we barely get time to digest it before Tessa Blanchard comes in, drills Allie from behind, and hits her hammerlock DDT.  She stands over Allie as we go to commercial.

Tessa Blanchard is backstage complaining about Allie trying to weasel into another title shot ahead of her, but if she thinks that's what's going to happen, she is sadly mistaken.

Josh and Don talk about stuff, then we head back to the ring for our next match...

OGz vs Jay & Brony

Hernandez starts off with a Pounce that sends Jay flying across the ring, then tags Homicide in to drag Brony into the ring  and toss both opponents to Homicide for a double over the shoulder backbreaker.  Homicide quickly hits the Cop Killa on Brony, and that's a wrap.

Winners: OGz

Why did the ref get the belts from the timekeeper and hand them to the OGz after the match?  King gets a mic and says he hates to tell us he told us so, but he told us so.  He talks about taking the titles from LAX, and asks where the two "young boy b***hes" are?  The crowd chants for LAX, and Kingston says whether anyone likes it or not, they are the kings of the street...no, they ARE the streets, and LAX 5150 is dead.  Right on cue, LAX runs in and attacks the OGz while Konnan directs traffic from the entry ramp.  LAX gets the advantage, knocks the OGz to the floor, and Santana wipes them both out with a dive.  Ortiz has an ax and is about to bifurcate Homicide with it when security runs in to stop them.  Ortiz clears them out, but the OGz have already headed for the hills.

After the commercial, LAX is back in the clubhouse where Konnan is chewing his boys out for walking into a trap and fighting them with anger.  Who is he now, Yoda?  Konnan says he made those hos, and he knows they're scared, and after they get done with them, they're just going to be a distant memory.

The Global Wrestling Network takes us back to 10000 years ago when Jushin Liger showed up to beat Petey Williams, then we go to the oVe cam where they're all talking about what a dumbass Sami looks like now.  Their words.  Sami calls everyone marks and says they don't care what the fans and boys think, but they're getting revenge tonight because it's family vs family, and the Crists are going to end the lucha brothers.

Scarlett Bordeaux is backstage, and she's...wearing one of those dresses that comes way up high on the sides and make it look like she's not wearing underwear!

The Great Gama introduces his team for our next match...

Desi Arnaz Hit Squad vs KM & Fallah Bahh

Bahh starts by squashing both opponents, both figuratively and then literally with repeated avalanches in the corner.  KM is in the corner yelling "PULL HIS HAIR! PULL HIS HAIR!" and Bahh obliges.  Always helpful to have a cheating coach in the corner.  KM tags in for a double shoulderblock,Bahh tags in and is promptly distracted by Gama, allowing Singh to clip his knee from behind.  Singh drops Raju on top of Bahh for 2, but Bahh fights his way out of the corner and makes a tag to KM, who easily plows through both members of the Babalu Brigade.  KM tells Bahh to poke Singh's eye, then demonstrates on Raju so Bahh can oblige.  KM rams Fred and Ethel together, lays Singh out, and Bahh is distracting the referee.  KM yells at him that this isn't when he's supposed to distract the ref, so Bahh stops...just as Raju hits a flying knee to KM's jaw and covers him for 3.

Winners: Desi Arnaz Hit Squad

I am so not buying the Desi Hit Squad.  KM and Bahh are hilarious, though.

Santino Marella and his trainee who is challenging Austin Aries tonight are backstage practicing Greco Roman pummeling, then Marella tells him that this is here, it's happening, and he has to go seize this opportunity and make it happen.

Austin Aries is backstage saying he came back to Impact and beat a high-caliber opponent like Eli Drake, and he's not worried about a kid like he's facing tonight.

Johnny Impact is backstage with Alicia, telling her that he's not worried about Kongo Kong.  He's here to prove he's the best, but Kong is here to hurt people, and he tried to do that to him.  Jimmy Jacobs comes in and shooes Alicia, then tells Impact that if he's looking for Kongo Kong, he might see a little clearer if he takes those sunglasses off.  Jimmy takes Impact's sunglasses off and starts to say that he's trying to be a nice guy, but Impact drills him with a hard right hand and tells him that he wants Kong, and he's not going to ask again.  He takes his sunglasses and walks off.

World Title Match: Austin Aries vs Dustin Cameron

Aries is here in his street clothes because he apparently isn't taking this match very seriously.  He does a go behind and takes Cameron down, then backs off to the corner.  He starts leading the fans in a clap for young Dustin, then literally wrestles circles around Cameron and takes him down again, then walks over his back to go mouth off to Santino.  He takes too long, and finds himself face to face with Dustin again.  Dustin gets a series of armdrags and covers for 2.  Aries applauds Dustin...then drills him with a hard forearm.  Aries quickly hits a snap brainbuster, and that's...not all she wrote! Aries pulls him up at 2.  Aries picks Cameron back up, stares Santino down, and Santino throws the towel in rather than let Dustin take another brainbuster.

Winner: Austin Aries

Aries throws the towel back at Santino, then puts Cameron in the Last Chancery.  Santino gets in and goes face to face with Aries, who takes his shirt off and dares Santino to take a shot at him.  Santino tries to calm it down, then kicks Aries in the ding ding.  Aries and what's left of his ding ding go out to the entry ramp and make faces at Santino, and don't notice creazy Eddie Edwards coming up behind him with a kendo stick.  Aries finally turns around and takes the stick to the midsection, and Eddie goes for the underhook DDT, but Aries breaks and runs while Eddie makes snow angels on the ramp.  Josh informs us that Eddie has a title shot next week as we go to commercial.

Alicia is backstage with Alisha Edwards, who says she's going to put her personal life aside and focus on the Knockouts division again.  Eddie comes in and says he's been thinking things over and he's ready to make a big change, and things are going to be different.  Alisha asks if that means the help that they talked about, and Eddie says no, it means he's gonna be World Champion again!  Alisha tells him he's outta his mind and she can't deal with him, and Eddie goes, "Okay....byeeeeeeee."  I am actually REALLY entertained by crazy Eddie Edwards.

Scarlett Bordeaux comes out in her underwearless dress so the nerdiest interviewer in history can interview her.  He stutters over his words, and Scarlett asks if he's new here, because she would remember a face like his.  She asks him what his name is and he just goes "bo-bo-bo-bo-bo" because he's apparently so intimidated by a woman who will talk to him that he can't even spit his name out.  She assumes his name is Bobo and says that's cute, and tells him that he must wonder what it's like being a 10 in a world full of 3s and 4s.  This is how god made her, and she will not be hot shamed.  Bobo is apparently having a heart attack, and she asks him if he's okay, then tells him he can go now.  She takes the mic and says she guesses the men around here aren't used to seeing women like her around, because the Smoke Show is here to make wrestling sexy again.  She tells them to hit the music, and does her little stripper dance while Don says Bobo looked like he was going to have a stroke.

Grado is backstage with KAtarina and Joe Hendry, talking about how outrageous Eli's behavior is, then he sees Eli and goes over to challenge Eli to a tag match with Grado and Hendry against Drake and whoever he picks as a partner.  Drake drags Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley in and says it doesn't matter which one he takes as a partner, he hopes Grado and Hendry have their pissing pants on, because he has something for them, and he DEFINITELY has something for Katarina.

Grado & Joe Hendry vs Eli Drake & Trevor Lee and/or Caleb Konley

Hendry gets worked over and tossed to the floor where Katarina dotes on him, and Drake works Grado over in the ring.  Grado makes a comeback and goes for the tag, but Hendry ditches out to the floor when Lee and Konley get into a shouting match with Katarina, leaving Grado alone so Drake can hit the Gravy Train for the win.

Winners: Eli Drake & Trevor Lee and/or Caleb Konley

Grado isn't happy, and Hendry and Katarina try to cheer him up, and he gives Katarina a big kiss and hugs Hendry, then they all head off to the back together.

The Desi Arnaz Hit Squad are backstage gloating over their victory tonight, and say they're going to be champions.  Gama comes in to slap the hell out of them and tell them they suck, then he leaves, then he comes back in and slaps them some more before leaving again.  What an inspirational guy.

We look back at last week when Brian Cage defended his X Division Title against Matt Sydal, then we go backstage to Sydal, who says that Cage is the undisputed X Division Champion, and the division chose him.  He's proud of the time he put in as champion, and what he lost is just a material thing, and material things mean nothing to him.  He knew he would lose it someday, but Cage showed him that there's more in store for him, and that the X Division Title isn't his final destination, there's something bigger.  He thanks Brian Cage and the X Division Title, and realizes he needs to open his third eye even wider and question everything...EVERYTHING.

And with that, it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!

Jake & Dave Crist vs Pentagon Jr & Fenix

They start out doing fast paced lucha stuff with everyone flying everywhere, and oVe nearly kills themselves doing a pair of high velocity stereo dives onto Pentagon and Fenix on the floor.  Both teams wind up brawling all around ringside with reckless abandon, and Pentagon and Fenix hit their own stero dives as we go to commercial.

We're back, and Dave Crist is still in trouble.  He takes a series of double team moves from Pentagon and Fenix, then they drag Jake in and do the same to him.  They go for a spike package piledriver, but Sami jumps up on the apron and stops Fenix from jumping, and allows Jake to get free and take out Pentagon, then he and Dave hit stereo big boots on Fenix.  Fenix is in trouble in the oVe half of the ring, as the Crists continue to try and unmask him. They get Pentagon in the ring and work him over as well, then they tie their masks together.  Why hasn't someone tried that before now?  Pentagon and Fenix are sitting ducks while the Crists unload on them with superkicks, and the ref finall is able to separate them, and the Crists hit a spike piledriver on Fenix for 2.  Pentagon and Fenix make a comeback and hit a double stomp/package piledriver combo on Dave, but Jake breaks the cover up at a close 2.  Pentagon reverses a Tombstone attempt and hangs Jake on the top rope where Fenix kills him with a top rope double stomp, then they hit another double stomp/package piledriver combo on Dave.  Fenix takes Jake and Sami out with a dive while Pentagon covers Dave for the win.

Winners: Pentagon Jr & Fenix

Great main event once they got past the spotspotspot opening minutes.  Sami is at ringside clutching his injured arm and giving the lucha brothers the Anakin Skywalker "I HATE YOU!" as we call it a week.

Well, almost... Killer Kross is backstage with more of his hitman words of wisdom, and he crouches down to put his calling card on what appears to be an unconscious Santino Marella.



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