Thursday, June 7, 2018

Impact Wrestling Results - June 7, 2018

Impact Wrestling Resuòts - June 7, 2018
We start off with the usual look at last week's show, including Austin Aries regaining the World Title from Pentagon Jr, then we head to the ring for our opening match...

World Tag Team Title Match: DJ Z & Andrew Everett vs Drago & Aerostar

I don't think I've ever seen so many light-up wrestlers in one match in my life.  DJ Z and Drago do some indy feeling out stuff, then Aerostar comes in and...does a bunch of cartwheels and flips around the ring.  Everett tags in and does the same, so Aerostar does a flippy exit from the ring, comes back in, does more flips, and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  Don Callis has a great idea: since something has to be powering Aerostar's light-up mask, why doesn't someone throw water in his face and electrocute him?  That, my friends, is what's called thinking outside the box.  Everett is in peril for several moments, then DJ Z comes in and does a bunch of flippy dippy stuff while Drago and Aerostar thoughtfully get themselves into position for it all.  DJ Z gets backdropped to the floor as we go to commercial.

We come back just as DJ Z makes the hot tag, and Everett comes in with a handspring double back elbow to take out both me, and then cleans house on Aerostar.  No water to the face, unfortunately.  Standing shooting star press gets 2, but Drago comes in and powerbombs Everett.  He goes up the corner and wastes time until DJ Z goes up and hits him with a sunset bomb, but he and Everett hit a double Lionsault, and then Aerostar hits a springboard dropkick that sends Everett to the floor.  Aerostar with a 619 to DJ Z's midsection, but Everett is in with a leaping enziguiri and an X-Favtor, then hits a twisting spash off of DJ Z's back.  DJ Z takes Drago out with a dive through the ropes, and now we all take turns hitting spots.  Now they all go into the ring and take turns hitting spots, then DJ Z hits a ZDT and Everett follows up with a 630 for the win.

Winners: DJ Z & Andrew Everett

We see a bunch of slow motions shots of all of them doing spots, then we go to the control room where Josh and Don talk about stuff.

We see a video package hyping tonight's fight in the woods between Eddie Edwards and Sami Callihan.

We go backstage, where Sonjay Dutt is chewing Petey Williams out and accusing him of having something to do with all the attacks that have happened backstage.

Video package looking at our new Knockouts Champion, Su Yung.

The Global Wrestling Network takes us back to Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam facing off in some kind of streetfight match on some PPV years ago.

We go to the LAX clubhouse as Diamonte shows up for the first time in forever and wants to know where the money, K-Dogg, and Homicide are.  She thinks it's awfully ocnvenient that Konnan gets taken out and Kingston just happens to show up and take control.  Kingston comes in and looks unhappy to see her, especially when she asks how K-Dogg is doing.  Kingston says he's fine and Diamonte shows shes true LAX for asking.  Kingston sends Santana and Ortiz out to the ring, then has an uneasy staredown with Diamonte before they bump fists...for Konnan.

Trevor Lee & Caleb Konley vs LAX

LAX goes right to work on Lee and Konley as soon as they hit the ring, then trap Konley and give him an elevated double stomp before turning Lee inside out with a full rotation suplex for 2.  Lee hotshots Santana while Konley pulls Ortiz to the floor and lays him out.  Santana is in peril in the ring, but gets a neckbreaker and tags in Ortiz, who cleans house on Konley, takes Lee out with a dive through the ropes to the floor, then gets a sunset flip on Konley for 2.  Konely gets a spinning back fist on Ortiz for 2, but LAX turns it around and hits a wheelbarrow cutter on Konley for the win.

Winners: LAX

Eddie Kingston comes in and is very pleased with the outcome of that one, as the announcers debate whether Diamonte's suspicions have any merit.

The Fact Of Life is back! Eli Drake is here to give us his countdown of the top 5 dummies in wrestling.  #5 is the fans, because they're jealous, so he hits the dummy button.  #4 is Austin Aries, a man who likes to eat bananas.  More on that later.  #3 is Impact management, and now we're on to the #2 dummy...once again, the fans of Impact!  Dummy buttons for everyone.  We're on to the #1 dummy, hwo you can say is on a roll, but is really a half-wit, and that's Moose.  Everyone says he's mowing down opponents, but Drake reminds us of when he thought he could take tha tag title case, and Drake ended up with both cases.  Dummy button.  Slammiversary is right around the corner, and Moose wants to challenge him for the title shot at the PPV, and we have one choice for the man who will have a first class ticket to the gravy train, and that's not an insult, that's...Oh wait, Moose is here, and he doesn't look happy.  He comes to the ring and congratulates Eli for the cheesiest one-liners in wrestling, but he's listening to Drake calling him the #1 dummy on his stupid list, but last he checked, he lost the tag title and also blew his World Title match against Pentagon.  Not only does this make Drake a dummy, but a loser too.  Drake says he doesn't need gold because he is gold, and he suckerpunches Moose.  Moose drills him with a bicycle kick, but Drake hits him in the ding ding and gives him a Gravy Train before throwing his podium on top of Moose.

Rohit Raju vs Brian Cage

Raju tries some flimsy cruiserweight offense, but Cage just turns him inside out with a running clothesline, then hits Weapon X for a quick win.

Winner: Brian Cage

Well, that was quick.  Matt Sydal comes out after the match and says Cage looks like a million bucks, but his third eye shows him that he has no inner strength, and he can complete the inner machine and make him the strongest Brian Cage who ever lived.  He can feel his anger...it gives him FOCUS...makes him STRONGER...and only through him can Cage achieve the power to save his wife from certain death...oh wait, wrong promo.  He can show him the path if he foregoes his X Division Title shot, he can even open Cage's third eye!  Cage isn't impressed, grabs Sydal by the throat, pops him up on his shoulders, and hits an F5, then holds the X Division belt up high.

We catch up with Eddie Edwards as he drives to the woods, stopping to tell the cameraman to film everything that happens, no matter what, even if Sami f***ing dies.  He tapes up his fist, gets out of his car, and calls out to Sami to do this.

We go to Josh, who is having a Skype conversation with Austin Aries, who refuses to say where he is because he doesn't want a line of people outside.  The audio on Josh's side is cutting out, which is pretty funny.  Josh asks Aries if he has a preference on who to face at Slammiversary, and he does but won't tell Josh.  He will say that Drake has never beaten him, and Moose had a mediocre football career and is not good enough to beat him for the title.  Josh asks Aries about the low blow he used to regain the World Title last week, and Aries says all he knows is that he's the World Champion, and asks Josh if he remembers how Flair won all his World Titles. Josh says no, and Aries says that's because the record books don't say how somebody wins, just who won, and he does things to win that others aren't comfortable with, but that's his comfort zone, and that's why he's the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived, he'll do the dirty work other people won't do.  Josh reminds Aries that he didn't pick a preference for who wins next week, but wants to know who he thinks WILL win, and Aries says it'll be Drake because he knows what it's like to work under pressure and can do the dirty work like himself.  He's not taking anything away from Moose, but this game requires mental toughness as well as physical, and that'll prevent him from getting that title shot.

We see a video package of Madison Rayne's return to Impact and why she stuck her nose in Tessa Blanchard's business.  She also mentions that she has her sights set on one more Knockouts Title.  We then go to McKenzie with Tessa Blanchard, who calls last week a fluke because she's a winner who makes things happen, not a loser who has to take a stroll down memory lane because of their insecurity.  Keira Hogan comes in to point out that Tessa didn't live up to the hype, and Tessa responds by laying her out, then picking her up and doing it again.  Keira fires back, and security runs in to pull them apart, but that only creates an opening Tessa uses to work Keira over some more, ram her into the wall, and then stomp on her head.

Moose is backstage, and he's angry!  Drake messed up, and next week, he was only planning on beating him, but now he's going to HURT him too!

We go to Josh and Don in the control room to talk about stuff, and then it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!

Unsanctioned Street(woods?)fight: Eddie Edwards vs Sami Callihan

Eddie walks around in the woods and is taunted by Sami and Jake Crist, who repeatedly appear and disappear when the lights that somehow exist in the middle of the woods go out.  Jake finally attacks Eddie, who beats him down and chokes him out with a branch he finds on the ground.  Eddie Drags him out of the way and keeps his mask as a souvenir as he heads back to his car, the alarm of which is going off for some strange reason.  He gets a kendo stick out of the back seat, then starts to walk off when Dave Crist jumps out of the trunk and attacks.  Eddie bashes him into a fence and chokes him unconscious as well, then picks the stick up and calls for Sami as he wanders around looking for his quarry.  Sami says "Let's do this, motherf***er!" and charges.  Eddie beats Sami down and tries to choke him with the stick, but Sami trips him and takes a swing with the bat, which Eddie blocks with the stick and throws dirt in his eyes.  He gets up, but Sami is gone again...until running out from behind a tree and attacking again.  Sami sticks his thumbs in Eddie's eyes, then picks up a longhorn skull that is just sitting there on the ground for some reason and uses it to ram Eddie into a tree.  Eddie misses a wild swing with the stick that connects hard with a tree.  They take turns ramming each other into trees, with Eddie eventually getting the advantage.  He takes a horn that smashed off the skull and gouges it into Sami's head with a cartoonishly insane look on his face as blood pours down Sami's face.  Eddie lets him go and stands up, telling Sami it's time to die.  Just before he's about to destroy Sami once and for all, another car shows up with Tommy and Alisha jumping out to tell Eddie to stop it.  Eddie is momentarily stunned to see them, then turns back to finish the job...except Sami is nowhere to be found.  Eddie is distraught that he got away, and grabs Sami's bat and hits Tommy in the ding ding with it before wandering back into the woods to find Sami while Alisha checks on poor Tommy, who has suffered more of these kinds of attacks in his career than any other wrestler I'm aware of.


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