We start off with the usual video package looking back at last week, including LAX winning the World Tag Team Title and Konnan’s subsequent return and tense conversation with Eddie Kingston, and the manic, house-trashing rampage of Eddie Edwards, then we head to the ring for our opening promo.
Madison Rayne comes out to the ring in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, and says this has been the most exciting return to Impact, and while she only planned to come back and be a soundtrack for the Knockouts division, but now she finds herself with a title shot at Slammiversary. She created a moment when she beat Tessa Blanchard, and created another one when she beat Taya Valkyrie, and when she faces Su Yung, she can create another moment by becomiong the 6-time Knockouts Champion. Su Yung got inside her head last week, and maybe she should be afraid…after all, she put Rosemary in a coffin and we haven’t seen her since, then she put Allie in a coffin and took her title, and we haven’t seen her since then either. Madison went home and told her daughter not to be afraid of monsters because there’s nothing to be afraid of, so she can’t run from a monster either. Su Yung’s not getting a stay-at-home mom at Slammiversary, she’s getting Madison Rayne, the five-time champion. Madison is interrupted by Tessa Blanchard, who says Madison has to be kidding her, because she might have a shot at Mother of the Year, and she doesn’t know what kind of mother she is, but she knows what kind of wrestler Madison is, and it’s not 2011 anymore, and Madison isn’t the best here because she is. It’s cute that she’s created moments and feels blessed and honored, and it’s real heartwarming, but holding that title means that you’re the best, and Tessa is a third generation wrestler, and has been in this business since before she was born. Madison says there’s no punchline, and she knows who Tessa is, and we all do because she tells us all, but one thing Tessa leaves out is that she is the person who got pinned in this ring by her, and if Tessa needs a reminder of who she is, Madison is happy to give her one. The lights go out and we hear crazy laughter and screaming, and Tessa and Madison both look around, and then Tessa suckerpunches Madison and leaves her laying.
Josh runs down tonight’s card, then we go back to the ring for our opening match…
Rich Swann vs Trevor Lee
Josh refers to Swann as a former Cruiserweight Championas Swann does his Greco Roman knucklelock dancing thing, then they do a fast paced back and forth that ends with Swann dropkicking Lee to the floor. Swann does some flips for show as we go to commercial.
We’re back as Swann unloads on Lee with a couple of hard chops, then a snapmare and an indy kick to the back that sounds like a shotgun going off. Swann gets too cocky and Lee hotshots him off the top rope, then rams Swann hard across the ring and covers for 2. Lee with a big backdrop that causes Swann to make a full flip and land on his face. Josh informs us that Madison Rayne and Tessa Blanchard are now going to face off in our main event as Lee plays to the crowd and gets rolled up for 2. Swann starts making a comeback, sending Lee to the floor with a flying headscissors and wiping him out with a twisting top rope dive to the floor. Swann with a twisting splash in the ring for 2, but Lee counters right back with the leaping double stomp for 2. Swann comes back with some kicks and an inverted Frankensteiner, then a second rope Phoenix splash gets the win.
Winner: Rich Swann
I just realized Swann has shaved the front of his head, leaving only a star shaped cut like the ones the kids in your class that were Cowboys fans in the early 90s used to do. Of course, back then they did it on the SIDES of their head instead of right on top of their skull, but times change I guess.
We see footage from PCW in California, as Sami Callihan is attacking Pentagon Jr after what appeared to be a hard-fought cage match, working him over with the bat before the Crist brothers come in to pick the bones. The Crists hold Pentagon’s arms, and Sami yanks Pentagon’s mask off, though he covers up his face before we can see what he looks like. My guess is he looks like a Mexican dude.
We go to Josh and Don, who talk about stuff, then the Global Wrestling Network takes us back about 500 years to a King of the Mountain match at Slammiversary that Raven won.
We see the Desi Hit Squad walking around talking to people, and they’ll make their debut tonight!
Grado is backstage when Winter comes up behind him and covers his eyes and goes “Guess who?” and Grado answers “Wildcat Chris Harris?” Winter has great news: she has a match next week! Grado apparently had no idea she was a wrestler, and she tells him she’s a two-time Knockout Champion, and maybe they need to get to know each other a little better. Grado says maybe she can show him some of her wrestling moves. That is some mental image.
The Great Gama introduces his team for our next match…
Desi Hit Squad vs DJ Z & Andrew Everett
Everett and Rohit Raju start us off, as Don describes the greatness of Gama Singh, whose prime probably ended before your parents were even born. Everett and DJ Z pretty much wrestle circles around the Squad, who catch DJ Z on a dive to the floor, then throw him at Everett when he comes out to join in the fun. The Squad works DJ Z over in the corner, and the guy who isn’t Raju covers for 2. DJ Z sidesteps and sends both of the Squad to the floor, and makes the hot tag to Everett, who takes the Squad out with a dive. Back into the ring, where Everett hits a springboard leg lariat on Not Rahit Raju, and a series of double teams gets 2 for DJ Z and Everett. Raju knocks DJ Z to the floor with a spinkick, then a pair of leaping enziguiris to Everett and a Sky High gets 2 for the Squad. Everett and DJ Z hit a series of moonsaults and shooting star presses on Not Raju, but Gama is distracting the referee when Everett goes for a cover. Everett goes after Gama, and Not Raju rolls him up with a handful of tights for the win.
Winners: Desi Hit Squad
Well, the Squad wasn’t exactly impressive their first time out. Maybe DJ Z and Everett should get Leo Burke to manage them next time.
Pentagon Jr cuts a crazy video promo saying he wants to fight Sami Callihan in a mask vs hair match, and he helpfully explains that this means he’ll take his mask off if he loses, but if Sami loses, he’ll shave his head. Thanks for the primer, Pentagon.
We see a video package of Moose’s background, including his upbringing in a tough neighborhood and his time in the world of pro football, then him leaving football and getting into wrestling.
Josh and Don talk about stuff, then they send us to House of Hardcore, showing “2300 Arena” on screen in front of a picture of what appears to be City Hall, which is decidedly nicer than the 2300 Arena and anything within a mile of it. At House of Hardcore, Eddie Edwards bashes Tommy Dreamer in the face with a kendo stick, gouges a shard that breaks off of it into Tommy’s head, and then smears Tommy’s blood across his own face before choking him with the stick. Tommy’s face is covered in blood as we see Eddie coming out the back door of the Arena, followed by Moose demanding an explanation of what the **** that is about. Eddie tells Moose to leave him the **** alone, before wandering out under the grand expanse of I-95.
Time for some good, family-friendly fun at the LAX clubhouse! They got the titles, they got the paper, they got the Cubans, things are good right now, says King. Konnan comes in and the happy LAX music cuts to creepy, squeaky music. Konnan not only doesn’t do the handshake thing with King, he outright calls King a liar. King says not to threaten him, and that if he’s going to make a move, then make a move and jump because he helped these boys, and asks where Konnan was, and says he was in a hospital bed while he was getting LAX back on track. King doesn’t want to hear this **** and walks out, and Santana asks Konnan what’s going on, because they got the titles, the paper, and the Cubans, and has no idea what Konnan thinks Kingston did. Konnan says Kingston might have them fooled, but not him. Santana wants to know what he’s talking about, but Konnan says he just happened to take this over when Konnan disappeared, and it was all by design, and when he has proof he’s gonna give it to them. Santana and Ortiz don’t appear to know what to make of all this, and leave to go get their head straight, dog.
X Division Title Match: Matt Sydal vs Desmond Xavier
Sydal does a bunch of yoga stuff and tries to shake Xavier’s hand and suckerpunch him when he goes for it. Xavier isn’t playing that, dodges the cheapshot and dropkicks Sydal to the floor. Don says this might be one of the rare times Sydal doesn’t have the athleticism advantage. Sydal sneaks under the ring to try and get the drop on Xavier, but it doesn’t work as Xavier gets a jackknife cradle for 2. Sydal with a hard right hand knocks Xavier on his butt, but Xavier lays into Sydal with a back elbow and a bunch of jabs to the ribs. Sydal goes to the leg, and snaps Xavier over with a dragon screw legwhip. Sydal with a half crab, then he tells Xavier that he can make him stronger and he believes in him. Xavier fires up after this and hits a series of European uppercuts in the corner, then a snapmare and dropkick to the back of the head. Josh mentions that Killer Kross debuts next week. Wasn’t he the old-timey mobster heel with the violin case from the early days of Smoky Mountain Wrestling? Anyway, Xavier knocks Sydal to the floor and nails him with a somersault dive that further injures his knee, then he goes to the top, but Sydal pulls him off the corner and hits Chemical Imbalance II for the win.
Winner: Matt Sydal
Good match, Sydal is on such a tear in Impact and I really like the evolution of his character. Brian Cage comes out after the match, but Kongo Kong comes out and nails him from behind. Jimmy Jacobs gets into the ring and he and Sydal namaste bow at each other, then Kong comes off the top rope with a splash to Cage.
Tessa Blanchard is backstage, and she’s…WALKING! Madison Rayne is also backstage, and she’s…ALSO WALKING! They face off in our main event…NEXT!!!
Okay, one more thing before that: we go to the oVe Cam, where Sami Callihan happily accepts Pentagon’s challenge for the hair vs mask match. He says that Pentagon might have everyone in Mexico fooled, but Sami knows that he’s just a really good wrestler in a mask. His hair has been everywhere with him: lost jobs, lost girlfriends, lost everything, and Pentagon will never be able to walk the streets of Mexico again because of the shame he’ll inflict on him.
Josh and Don talk about stuff,
Austin Aries is backstage with New Girl, and says we can celebrate that we once again have one, undisputed champion in Impact Wrestling, and that’s him. Unlike nature, you’re the hunted when you’re on top of the food chain, and he’s being hunted by a Moose. His story is very heartfelt, but Aries made as many sacrifices as Moose did, but the difference is that he didn’t fail in his first career choice. Moose did, and he’s going to make sure Moose fails #2 like he failed #1. He’s going to tell his story next week, but his ends with triumph, not tragedy. He knows when he sees a desperate man’s eyes, and Moose is desperate, but he’s no match for Austin Aries, so he can train as ahrd as he wants, but what he should be doing is praying.
And now, it’s…MAIN EVENT TIME!
Tessa Blanchard vs Madison Rayne
Madison goes right after Tessa and knocks her to the floor at the bell. Tessa takes a breather and comes back in, and immediately finds herself on the receiving end of several pinfall attempts. Madison Rockers into the ring from the apron, but eats a forearm from Tessa, who then whips her throat-first into the ropes and hits a charging back elbow and a charging dropkick to the back for 2. Tessa keeps up the pressure with a short clothesline, a snapmare, and an indy kick to the back for 2. Tessa with an abdominal stretch, then a delayed vertical suplex for 2. Madison dodges a top rope something and drills Tessa with a leaping enziguiri. Madison with a flying headscissors, followed by a sliding lariat for 2. Madison goes to the second rope, but Tessa counters with a hanging flatliner for 2. Madison catches Tessa with a spear, then they trade forearms in the middle of the ring. Madison connects with a running big boot, but Tessa counters with a boot to the midsection and then puts the boots to Madison in the corner Stone Cold style. Madison catches Tessa with a crucifix bomb and gets the three count.
Winner: Madison Rayne
Good match, Madison has never looked this good in her career, EVER. She is really on right now. Tessa jumps Madison from behind after the match and then grabs a chair, stalks Madison, and…SU YUNG EMERGES FROM THE BACK!!! AND SHE HAS HER UNDEAD BRIDES WITH HER! She and her crew surround the ring, prompting Tessa to head for the hills, and Su enters to stand over Madison as she comes to. Su motions the brides into the ring and they circle around her and…beat her up. Su motions for them to back off, and she puts on her dirty glove and goes for the Panic Switch…when all of a sudden, Allie runs out of the back! She’s on fire, she’s local and cheaper to bring to Windsor, and she’s MAD! She chases Su Yung and the undead brides off, and stands with…I guess her pal Madison as we call it a night.
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