Impact Wrestling Results – March 15, 2018

Impact Wrestling

The show opens with Jeremy Borash backstage with the participants in tonight’s Feast of Fired match!  I wonder if the person getting fired will make it to the last two like they have in EVERY SINGLE FEAST OR FIRED EVER?

We see a video package of what happened on last week’s show, then head right to the ring for our opening match…

Sami Callihan vs Fallah Bahh

Bahh overpowers Callihan to start, then catches Sami with a crossbody block for 2.  Callihan turns it into a brawl, gouging Bahh’s face and unloading with kicks and punches before locking Bahh in a rear chinlock.  Bahh gets to his feet, but Callihan yanks him back to the mat by the head.  Bahh catches Sami with a back elbow, followed by a corner avalanche, then he no-sells a big boot from Sami and hits a Yokozuna belly-to-belly suplex for 2.  Sami unloads with some shots, but runs into a Samoan Drop, and Bahh drags Sami to the corner for the Bahhnzai Drop.  Callihan is up and kicks Bahh’s knees out, then hits a death valley driver on Bahh for the win.

Winner: Sami Callihan

Good opener, and that was some show of strength by Sami at the end. oVe all jumps into the ring and prepares to do the baseball bat/chairshot thing like they did to Eddie Edwards, but Eddie runs in with a badly dinged-up looking face to chase oVe off.

Rosemary is backstage, and she’s…PROWLING!  She’ll face Taya Valkyrie later on tonight!

We see Matt Sydal backstage saying he’s going to introduce his spiritual mentor tonight, then Josh and Sonjay are in the control room talking at us about what happened last week, what’s going to happen later, and then they toss it to the Global Wrestling Network clip of the week, featuring footage of past Feast or Fired matches.

Austin Aries is backstage, and he’s…PREPPING! He’ll join us for an interview…NEXT!

McKenzie is backstage with Austin Aries, congratulates him on winning the World Title, and plugs his new vegan book before Alberto El Patron walks in on his interview to sit down and have a chat with Aries.  Alberto introduces himself and says how happy he is that Aries is here, because this is his show, he never lost that title, but this isn’t important because Eli Drake was a paper champion, and he takes respect very seriously.  He respects Aries because he finally proved to everyone that this company has a true champion, and he has a surprise for Aries, a welcome present, and he has some Mexican wine and steak brought in.  This stupid offering vegetarians meat thing is as stupid and worn to death as people who pretend to cough every time they walk past someone who’s smoking.  Aries thanks Alberto, but he has a banana, and Alberto takes that as a sign of disrespect, and says that when people do that, things happen to them.  Aries finally has enough and shoves Alberto, who says he’s just trying to be friendly, then the eerie music starts as Alberto apologizes and offers to buy a couple of copies of his book.  Aries says this copy is on him because he’s making champion money now, and he knows Alberto remembers what that’s like.  Alberto stares him down and leaves while Aries pours himself a glass of wine and takes a sip.

Allie is backstage in catering and Kiera Hogan comes in to congratulate her when Braxton Sutter comes in wanting to talk to Allie.  She’s not having it, and walks off.

Jimmy Jacobs comes out with Kongo Kong to complain about Joseph Park refusing to bring Abyss back, and Jacobs says that until he does, Kong will go on a rampage like nothing we’ve seen before.  But he’s a giving guy, so he’ll use words one final time, and asks Abyss where he is.  Jim Mitchell comes out and introduces himself, but Jacobs says he knows who Mitchell is, but the fact that he just waltzed in here shows he has no idea with who he is.  Mitchell says he’s admired Jacobs from afar for years because he reminds him of himself: great fashion taste, a way with words, and a complete disregard for the norms of polite society.  Jacobs is also a monster fan, and Kongo Kong is one of hte most impressive he’d seen in over a decade, and if he didn’t have one of his own, he’d try to steal Kong from him.  He knows how it feels to be in Jimmy’s shoes, and on the cusp of greatness, willing to sink to any depths to grab the big brass ring, but when he did it, he made a Faustian pact and sold his soul, thereby making his son Abyss the World Champion.  They left a trail of broken bodies and destruction in Impact Wrestling, but the one problem with Faustian pacts is the debt comes due eventually, and in his case, Abyss’ personality splintered to cope with his behavior.  He became Joseph Park, a lawyer who wouldn’t hurt a fly, and he fought Abyss on it, but he lost the thing most important to him: his monster, his son.  So what he wants Jacobs to know is that he will have to pay the piper himself, because he’s been abusing Joseph Park to get to Abyss, and Mitchell did nothing when they put Chandler out, destroyed Park’s law office, and humiliated Abyss’ grandmother on live television and turned her into a basket case, and Jacobs doesn’t realize he poked the wrong bear.  Jacobs says he is the bear, but Mitchell says he misunderstands what we’re doing here: Mitchell didn’t come to make Jacobs look bad, he came here to thank him: Jimmy’s actions gave him something he couldn’t get on his own: he awakened the giant, the 6’8″, 350 pound weapon of mass destruction, Abyss, and Jacobs’ future can be summed up in two words: CLICK, DOOMSDAY!  Abyss’ music hits, and here he comes!  Abyss goes toe to toe with Kong in the middle of the ring, and Abyss clotheslines Kong right on out to the floor.  Big babyface pop from the fans as Mitchell tells Jacobs and Kong that, as a gesture of gratitude, he’ll give them a gift next week: two tickets in their names for the ball…the MONSTER’S BALL!  Mitchell tells them to be there if they dare, and cackles gleefully.  TERRIFIC promo segment!

Video package of the Rosemary-Taya Valkyrie feud, then we go to the ring for…

Rosemary vs Taya Valkyrie

Rosemary spears Taya as soon as she hits the ring, and Taya heads to the floor, so Rosemary takes her out with a dive off the apron, then dumps Taya back into the ring.  Rosemary with a crossbody and goozles Taya into the corner where she unloads with a series of forearms.  Taya dodges a corner charge and kicks Rosemary in the breadbasket, then hits a series of corner clotheslines, but misses a corner charge of her own, and Rosemary hits a release German suplex.  I wonder if Johnny Impact has a policy where he only dates women who wear furry boots?  Rosemary goes for a sunset flip, but Taya gouges here eyes and double stomps Rosemary for 2.  Taya with a hair yankdown for 2, Rosemary tries the hanging legscissor choke, but Taya muscles her up and over and drops her on her face, then gets a nasty rear chinlock with her knee in Rosemary’s back.  Rosemary gets free and hits a springboard forearm out of the corner on Taya, but Taya uses her agility to outmaneuver Rosemary into a sunset flip and then a curb stomp.  Taya goes to the top for a moonsault, but Rosemary moves out of the way, then hits a running kneestrike to the face.  Rosemary hits a Cactus clothesline that sends both ladies over the top to the floor, where they both get counted out.


They keep brawling after the match, fighting up the ramp until Rosemary hair tosses Taya back down the ramp.  They wind up on the stage where Rosemary narrowly misses going off the stage after a missed spear, then Taya hits the Road to Valhalla on the stage and poses over Rosemary’s fallen carcass.

Eli Drake is on the phone backstage trying to get in touch with Chris Adonis, who apparently didn’t want to show up tonight because they had a plan to get the World Title shot, but he didn’t want to get fired.  Eli isn’t happy about this, and tells him that forget Feast of Fired, because Adonis is fired.  He must have gone to the Robert Roode School of Firing Wrestlers Who Don’t Work For Him.

McKenzie is backstage with Ethan Carter III, who says that fate, destiny, serendipity…do we believe in the power of vision?  EC3 has seen his fate, he has seen his destiny, and serendipity is the case out there. He knows which case holds his future and is the catalyst for his future: riches, fame, power, glory, a return to where he belongs: champion.  Here he stands, now and forever, E…C…3.

Back to the control room with Josh and Sonjay, who announce Austin Aries vs Alberto El Patron for the main event of Redemption on PPV on April 22.  We run down some matches for next week, then go to another movie with goofy background music as Bobby Lashley comes to have a word with Brian Cage while he’s trying to eat.  Lashley had every intention of welcoming him here, but now he wants Cage to know he doesn’t want or need his help.  If Cage wants to get in the ring with him, just get in the ring with him, because that’s what they both want.  Cage stands up, looks Lashley in the eye, and walks off.

Matt Sydal is backstage, and he’s…CENTERING!  He is ready to take it public and open up some third eyes…NEXT!

We’re off to the LAX clubhouse, where Konnan is feeling good. They have their titles back and are taking the night off to watch Feast or Fired, and then Homicide comes in with a briefcase that everyone is really happy to see.  Konnan says it’s about ten stacks too short, but Homicide says he never screwed him over since day one, and Konnan says there’s always money missing when he’s around, but they’ll watch this Feast or Fired match and then go to the club and get lit as F***.  Oh, these LAX segments.

Matt Sydal comes out to the ring with both the X Division and Grand Championship belts, and he thanks the fans for supporting him his entire career, but he wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for one person who helped him stand here as a double champion, and without him, he doesn’t know where he’d be.  He’d like to thank that person right now, and may he open our third eye like he opened his…Matt Sydal’s spirit guide…Josh Mathews!  The crowd chants to fire Josh, but he says he’s tried enlightening these people for far too long, and the thing he’s come to realize is that Matt Sydal is the north star of enlightenment, a double champion, a happy man, he is centered, and so is his chi.  Josh would like everyone to put their hands together and attempt to center their chi, then puts Sydal over for sitting under his learning tree to do things people thought impossible.  Josh has a gift for Sydal, and he hands him a box with a nice bow on top, and inside is…a mask of his spirit animal!  Sydal thanks Josh and says he is his one true spirit guide.  Josh says Sydal looks incredible, and Sydal tells Josh that if he’s a champion, then so is Josh.  Sydal tells his one new spirit guide that he is the new Grand Champion, and straps the belt around Josh’s waist.  Josh says namaste, and they pose together with their belts for photo ops.

Okay, with that out of the way, it’s…MAIN EVENT TIME!

Feast Or Fired: Moose vs Eli Drake vs Petey Williams vs Trevor Lee vs Caleb Konley vs Tyrus vs KM vs Taiji Ishimori vs Ethan Carter III vs Rohit Raju

Sonjay is the only one on commentary as everyone starts fighting it out battle royal style.  Everyone winds up out on the floor, where Tyrus butt splashes EC3 in the corner of the barricade.  Ishimori and Raju do flippy dippy in the ring, then Petey and Lee come in and join them, then KM climbs for a briefcase before being pulled down and dumped to the floor by Konley.  Lee apron punts KM, Raju dropkicks Lee to the floor, Petey hits a flying headscissors to the floor on Lee, and Raju hits Petey and KM with a dive.  Why do these guys keep doing dive spots when they’re the only one standing in the ring?  Shouldn’t they be going for a briefcase?  Ishimori dives, Petey comes in with a springboard DDT on Konley, hits a Canadian Destroyer on Lee, then climbs up and grabs briefcase #2 as we go to commercial.

We’re back as Moose is laying out everyone in the ring and tossing KM back to the floor for the 27th time in this match.  EC3 blindsides him and mockingly acts like he’s going for a dive, then changes his mind and goes for a briefcase instead, but Moose dropkicks him to the floor and then climbs up to grab briefcase #4.

Two briefcases down, and two to go.  The X Division guys go back to flippy dippying as Josh gets back in the broadcast booth and proclaims that he’ll still be impartial at all times except when Matt Sydal is wrestling.  Tyrus clears them all out and then suplexes KM before going back to beating up the X Division guys.  Tyrus with a corner splash on Drake, who no-sells, so Tyrus suplexes him too.  EC3 lays Tyrus out with a low blow and then climbs over his back to get briefcase #3, then lays Tyrus out with it.

One briefcase left, and Drake hits a Gravy Train on Ishimori, then one on KM.  Impressive power there, and Drake hits a Gravy Train on Raju, backdrops Konley to the floor, then runs up the corner to suplex Trevor Lee off the top rope.  Drake climbs up and grabs the last briefcase.

Winners: Moose, Petey WIlliams, Ethan Carter III, and Eli Drake

Pretty standard battle royal style match, and the briefcases will be opened…NEXT WEEK!


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