Thursday, April 27, 2017

Impact Wrestling Results - Apr. 27, 2017

We start off with a video package looking back at last week as Low Ki regained the X Division Title, EC3 helped Bobby Lashley beat James Storm, Jeremy Borash knocked Josh Mathews on his ass, Rosemary defeated ODB, and Decay confronted LAX. We hit the opening video package, and then we're off to the arena where Jeremy Borash, the Pope, and a mysteriously empty third chair welcome us to the show. Josh Mathews comes out with members of the Impact Wrestling office to say that this company won't tolerate bully announcers anymore. He spent the last week in meetings in Nashville to make sure he had the breaking news tonight. The HR guy says he is here to address Jeremy Borash inflicting violence on a colleague last week. Josh yanks the paperwork out of his hands and informs us that Borash is suspended, and tells him that he's got to go. Borash protests because he hasn't missed a show in 15 years, but he takes his headset off and goes quietly after Pope whispers something in his ear and shakes his hand. Josh says his streak of never missing a show is over, and the office folks escort Borash...to the guardrail, which he hops over and walks out. Josh says he can take up a collection from the fans to pay his bills for the next 30 days while he's suspended. Josh plops into his seat, and we go to our opening match...

Trevor Lee vs Matt Sydal

Lee rushes Sydal and hammers him with forearms, then chokes Sydal with his boot. Sydal connects with a series of kicks, but Helms drags Sydal to the floor and allows Lee to connect with a running punt across the apron. Lee covers for 2, then Beells Sydal across the ring for another 2. Sydal comes back with a mule kick out of the corner and goes for the standing moonsault, but Lee gets a schoolboy rollup for 2 and then hits a lungblower for 2. Sydal counters a bicycle kick to a back elbow, then hits the standing moonsault and makes a cover. Helms distracts the referee, but Sydal kicks Lee into Helms, knocks him off the apron, then drills Lee with a high knee followed by the Sydal Press for the win.

Winner: Matt Sydal

Great debut for Sydal, and glad to see him working back on national TV again.

Sienna finds Karen Jarrett backstage and says she still hasn't seen this alleged GFW Women's Champion, but Karen says he match is coming up. She suggests that Sienna pull up a chair because she's getting a match with her next week.

Ethan Carter III comes out to the ring and sits on a chair in the middle of the ring to deliver a message to the new regime here who wants to make Impact Wrestling great. He carried this company on his back for three years, and he doesn't deserve respect, he demands it. He has a message for Bruce Prichard, who told him to take a good long look in the mirror and find the real EC3. He did that and saw a demigod, a man who ran over this company, and went undefeated for an eon. The crowd chants "still the man" at EC3, who says he will not be pushed aside by any new talent coming into this company, because he will eviscerate them and send them back to the glory hole from whence they came. He also has a message for the fans: regardless of whether they supported him or not, they can kiss his privileged, perfectly round ass. He will once again become the World Champion at Slammiversary, because he's not just the best guy here, he's the best guy everywhere. He also has a message for James Storm: he knows he's upset and will blame him for costing him the World Title, but he is like a ghost who has haunted this place for 15 years, and just like everyone else who "built this place", he is nothing more than an overrated piece of crap. Storm comes out with a microphone in one hand and a beer bottle in the other, and EC3 bails to the floor just as Storm rolls into the ring. Storm doesn't blame EC3 at all for what he did, because we all know that he's just jealous because, unlike all the other names he talked about, he is still here. He's been out of the World Title picture for a long time, but that's because he wanted to give young punks like EC3 a chance to make their name here. He's not mad because he can beat EC3's ass anytime he wants to. EC3 laughs and says no, but Storm says that if anyone knows anything about him, it's that cowboys don't dance, they boogie and drink a lot of beer. Storm says EC3 is fugly, then says his family isn't here to protect him anymore and to get in the ring and fight him. EC3 says he's sorry about our damn luck because it's not going to happen. He starts to leave, so Storm says we should call him ECBitch. EC3 takes his shirt off and goes after Storm, who proceeds to beat the crap out of EC3. Storm goes for the Last Call, but EC3 bails out to the floor and uses Stevie the Production Team Member as a human shield so he can kick Storm in the ding ding. EC3 rolls Storm back into the ring and hits the 1%, then poses next to Storm's prone form. He picks up the mic and says "Sorry Cowboy, but I'm a Carter, and this company NEEDS ME."

KM is at a restaurant and is given a check, and he says that was good. The waiter says he's glad he enjoyed the meal, but KM says he never said that. KM stands up and asks him if he's calling him a liar. The waiter says "no sir", so KM tells him to make like a tree and get the hell out of here. Jesus, they are literally turning him into Biff Tannen. He says the problem with this country is that nobody knows how to do their job anymore.

Christina Von Eerie talks about winning the GFW Women's Title, and she wants to unify this with the Knockouts Title because she is the Patron Saint of Filth. Well, there's something to aspire to.

GFW Women's Title Match: Christina Von Eerie vs Ava Storie

They do some feeling out stuff to start, but Christina snapmares her and fires off a series of kicks. Von Eerie hits a series of charging forearms, and a running facewash. Von Eerie goes for a TKO, but Ava goes to the eyes and hammers Christina with forearms. Von Eerir comes back with a series of clotheslines and headbutts, then finishes her with a second rope straitjacket lungblower.

Winner: Christina Von Eerie

That was actually a hell of a finisher she pulled out there. Swoggle comes out of the crowd to mess up Spud's hair.

Low Ki does a video package talking about the pioneering days of the X Division.

We see a video package looking at the tragic destruction of the Wolves at the hands of that evil Yoko Ono, Angelina Love, who convinced her husband Davey Richards that Eddie Edwards forgot about him once he was on to the World Title.

McKenzie Mitchell is backstage with Alberto El Patron, who says he's the next one in line for a shot at the Impact Wrestling World Title. Magnus comes in and says he won the eight man match, and he's also the GFW World Champion. Karen Jarrett comes in and says she's tired of the bickering over who gets the next title shot, and by the way, Magnus doesn't have a golden ticket, he has a World Title. Karen says that Alberto and Magnus will face off in two weeks for the GFW World Title, and the winner will also get the next shot at the Impact World Title.

We see a video package of Moose leaving football to become a professional wrestler, working in Japan, and continuing to be a beast.

Grand Championship Match: Moose vs Davey Richards

Moose and Davey charge each other at the bell, Moose gets the better of the exchange, but he goes for a springboard crossbody out of the corner, and Davey kicks his leg out from under him to knock him to the mat. Davey goes out to the apron and hits a legwhip over the ropes, then stops to make out with Angelina. Davey goes to work on Moose's knee, but Moose kicks Davey off a figure four attempt and hits a clothesline. Davey kicks Moose's leg out and goes right back to the figure four, and this time cinches it in. Moose tries to power Davey's leg off, but can't do it and is stuck in the middle of the ring until time runs out.

Spud announces that Davey wins the first round by unanimous decision, then he goes right back after Moose when the bell rings to start the second round. He puts the boots to Moose's leg and goes for a top rope double stomp, but Moose moves, hits a pop-up powerbomb, and then a Lionsault for 2. Angelina is in shock at ringside as Moose regains his feet and unloads with hard chops. Davey catches him with a spinkick to the ribs, then fires off some more kicks to the midsection. Moose catches Davey with a pop-up into a clothesline and covers for a close 2. They trade shots in the middle of the ring, but Moose hits a bicycle kick and goes for the Gamechanger, but time runs out to end the round.

Moose wins the second round on a split decision, but he's limping badly as the third round begins. Davey goes to the second rope, but Moose dropkicks Davey to the floor. Davey tries climbing to the top, but Moose catches him with a chop and then goes up for a superplex. Davey fights Moose off and hits a sunset bomb, then hits a charging punt. He goes to the top, howls, and comes off the top with a double stomp...for 2. Davey quickly goes to the anklelock with about a minute left, and he has Moose right in the middle of the ring. Eddie Edwards suddenly rushes the ring and goes after Davey, and the referee calls for the bell.

Winner by DQ: Davey Richards

Security pulls Eddie back and Davey yells at him to get in the ring. Moose's footbal player friends who came to ringside with him get into the ring, and Davey shoves one of them. He doesn't react, so Davey shoves him again...and the football player shoves him on his ass. Davey charges and the other football guy picks Davey up and slams him, then the first one gets right in his face and starts yelling at him. This is f'ing insulting to watch. Great job making your wrestler look likie a bunch of phonies by having them get their ass kicked when they're up against a "real" athlete.

Kongo Kong vs Matt Silman

Silman bails right to the floor, but gets cornered by kissy drunk Laurel Van Ness, allowing Kong to nail him and dump him back into the ring. Silman tries a dropkick, but Kong hits him with one of his own, followed by an avalanche splash in the corner. Silman tries hammering Kong with forearms and a jawbreaker, but doesn't faze him. He tries a crossbody, but Kong catches him and hits a tilt-a-whirl side suplex. Kong with a running cannonball, then drags Silman out to the middle of the ring and hits the top rope splash for the win.

Winner: Kongo Kong

Kong is impressive as hell, I like this guy.

Monster Factory Tag Team Champions Fallah Bahh & Mario Bokara vs The Veterans Of War

Mayweather and Bokara start us off, and Mayweather overpowers Bokara and nearly backdrops him into the next zip code. Bahh comes in and goes toe-to-toe with Wilcox, who hoists him up and hits a Samoan Drop. Wilcox lays Bokara out, then tags Mayweather back in and they hit the double goozle on Bahh for 2. Bokara snaps Mayweather's neck down on the top rope and allows Bahh to nail him from behind, and Mayweather is briefly caught in the wrong part of town, but no-sells a double suplex and clotheslines Bokara, then dumps Bahh to the floor. Wilcox tags back in and they hit a pop-up into a spinebuster, and almost hit their finisher (the CarnagePlex) for the win.

Winners: The Veterans Of War

Maybe better practice that finisher before you use it, guys! Good debut otherwise, though I'm not a fan of having other company's belts on TV. Mayweather gets a microphone and introduces them to the crowd after the match, and he says Veterans of War isn't just a name, it's who they are because he served two tours in Iraq, and Wilcox was a Marine who served a tour in Afghanistan and one in Iraq. Crowd starts a USA chant as Mayweather says they didn't do it because they had to, it was because they thought it was their duty to. They respect the flag, and they would do it again in a heartbeat. They're both separated from the military, but the warriors live on inside them, and they're proud of what that flag stands for. Now they're bringing the fight to Impact, and they want a shot at the tag title because, together, they are one, they are the Veterans of War! Good promo!

We come back and see Swoggle beating the crap out of Spud with a hammer! What the hell? Seriously, he is flat out assaulting Spud with the hammer, and then swinging it at security and referees when they try to stop him. Then he goes back to hitting Spud some more, then grinds the handle of the hammer into his ear. Damn, he cracked Spud like twenty times there!

Eli Drake is backstage and says it was a live Impact last week, and he was nowhere to be found, but all these yahoos walk in off the street and have something to do, but not them. Anyone who wants a title shot can come on in, and Alberto walks in and is champion on day one. He asks Tyrus if he's even listening right now, and Tyrus says yeah, he's jealous he's being ignored. Drake says he needs to go take care of this and make something happen.

World Tag Team Title Match/Streetfight: LAX vs Decay

They start brawling as soon as the bell rings, and Decay gets the advantage. Abyss tosses Santana to the floor as Ortiz and Crazzzzzzzzzy Steve go at it in the ring. Steve with a running clothesline as Santana superkicks Abyss on the floor. Santana comes in and trades chops with Steve, and catches him with a leaping enziguiri, Ortiz hits a burning hammer, and Santana hits a shining wizard. Abyss wipes them both out with a double clothesline and then he pulls a barbed wire board out from under the ring as Steve grabs a table. We're at commercial.

We're back, and Homicide nails Abyss with a chair. Theres a table set up in the ring and two barbed wire boards leaning up in a pair of corners. Steve and Ortiz go at it, and Steve gets whipped hard into the corner before Ortiz bashes him in the back with a trash can. A trash can shot for Abyss. Santana chokes Abyss with the chair while Ortiz works both members of Decay over with a kendo stick. A bag of thumbtacks gets dumped in the ring, and Steve takes both members of LAX out with a flying bodypress. Abyss chokeslams both of them as well. Now Abyss has the kendo stick and uses it while Steve wedges a chair into an open corner. Steve gets backdropped to the floor by Ortiz, but then Abyss LAUNCHES a chair at Ortiz's head, knocking him silly. Rosemary goes for the mist on Ortiz, but he moves and Rosemary gets Abyss in the face. Santana suplexes Abyss into the board, then Diamonte comes in and suplexes Rosemary into next week. The ladies brawl out to the floor as LAX puts the other board on top of Abyss and hit Poetry In Motion to wedge Abyss between the two boards. Steve is in and gives Ortiz a DVD into the corner, but Konnan pulls the referee out to the floor at 2. Homicide sneaks into the ring and goes for the Cop Killa, but Steve gets out and tosses Homicide to the floor. The crowd is solidly behind Steve as he puts Ortiz on a table, pours another bag of thumbtacks on top of Ortiz, then goes to the top rope for a moonsault...but Homicide holds his ankle and allows Santana to drill Steve with an enziguiri while Ortiz gets off the table. LAX hits the blockbuster/powerbomb combo through the table, onto the thumbtacks, and cover Steve for the win.

Winners: LAX

We go to credits.


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