We go right to the ring for our opening match...
Crazzy Steve & Rosemary vs Moose & Brandi Rhodes
Brandi and Rosemary start us off, but Rosemary tags out before making contact, so here comes Moose. Rosemary distracts Moose while Steve sneaks up and goes to the eyes, then connects with a charging kneestrike, then another, but he gets shoulder tackled into next week on the third attempt. Steve dodges a charge and Moose goes to the outside where Abyss works him over and rams him into the steps. Steve comes outside and hits a rolling cannonball against the steps while Rosemary draws Brandi into the ring to distract the ref. Moose comes back in and Steve covers for 2, and Abyss trips Moose from the outside to allow Steve another opening. Moose responds to this by picking Steve up and powerbombing him over the top rope and onto Abyss. Rosemary jumps on Moose's back, Brandi yanks her off, and dishes out a series of chops. Brandi hits a second rope dropkick to Rosemary, then she and Moose fire off a series of MOOSE jabs at Steve and Rosemary. Moose lays Steve out and covers for the win.
Winners: Moose & Brandi Rhodes
Eddie Edwards arrives at the arena, and he says he's not here to talk, he's here to BEAT DAVEY RICHARDS' ASS!
Brandi and Moose celebrate out in the parking lot, and Moose says she has his number and to call him if anyone ever messes with her again around here.
Eddie Edwards comes out to the ring and repeats that he is here to beat Davey Richards' ASSSSSSSSSSS. This is a low point in his life, because not only did Davey screw him, but he crossed the line by getting his wife involved, so he wants Davey to come out here and take his ass whoopin' like a man. Instead, here comes Angelina Love, the wife of Davey Richards, who tells Eddie that it doesn't work that way. He'll get Davey when Angelina says he gets Davey, and she wants to know what he's so mad about? Where was Eddie when Davey tore his ACL defending the Wolves? Where was he when she was nine months pregnant and helping him around the house? She said Eddie went after the World Title and blew off his brother, so now that she says Eddie can have him, here comes the American Wolf, Davey Richards. Davey comes out and makes angry faces at Eddie, and Angelina starts to talk but tells her to shut up, reach into her purse, and give Davey his balls back. Davey asks who picked who to make this team? He was a name, and Eddie was nobody. He created the Wolf Nation, and since Eddie turned his back on him, he'll destroy it. Davey says that if Eddie is smart, he should turn his ass and walk away or he'll come down and expose him for the little bitch he is. Eddie says "Too late!" and hops out to the floor, and he and Davey charge at each other and starts brawling. Security separates them, but they keep getting away from each other to continue the brawl. Eddie gets in the ring with a mic and says this isn't over, he wants a street fight in this ring, TONIGHT!
We go to Braxton Sutter's bachelor party, where Mike Bennett invited all Braxton's best friends (even though Sutter says he doesn't know anyone here).
We go back to Tijuana, where the Hardys have just arrived at the venue, surrounded by DELETEing fans. One guy tells Matt that they also want to DELETE Meekmahon. They make their way through backstage and speak Spanish to a masked guy who speaks perfect English, and even Konnan makes an appearance!
After that, we stop by Laurel Van Ness' bachelorette party, which Allie did up to look like a kid's birthday party. Laurel shows off her cartoonishly huge ring as Maria gloats about how she's going to marry Braxton next week.
Eddie Kingston vs Jessie Godderz
Jessie fires a bunch of shots off at Kingston, who no-sells and hammers back with some chops. Godderz hits a dropkick out of nowhere for 2, then unloads some European uppercuts for good measure. Godderz with a hiptoss, but then he walks into a t-bone suplex from Kingston. Kingston chokes Godderz over the second rope, then ties him up with a bearhug. Godderz gets free and connects with a series of clotheslines and a blockbuster for 2. Godderz goes for the Adonis crab, Kingston powers out, so Godderz hits a leaping enziguiri and a springboard forearm for the win!
Winner: Jessie Godderz
Well, that was an unexpected finish. Lights go out, and when they come back up, Storm and Bram are in the ring with Kingston, but Godderz is up at the top of the ramp telling the DCC that he has their number.
Back to the bachelor party where the guy who can get anything Sutter wants (if you catch my drift) comes over to try and help Sutter loosen up. Sutter wants to cut this party now, but Bennett tells him he better not do that, because if the party ends, he has to go home. A fat guy climbs a ladder and jumps off onto the guy who can get anything.
Tyrus is on the set of Fact of Life, and he's got some stuff to say...NEXT!
Back to Laurel's bachelorette party, where Allie got games, headbands, and noisemakers. Maria says that nobody cares about her stupid decorations, and Sienna is double fisting the wine bottles.
It's time for Fact of Life, with our host...Tyrus He'd like to bring out a not-so-special guest: he's not his friend, he's definitely not the fans', it's Eli Drake. Drake comes out with his arm in a sling and argues with Tyrus, who makes him sitin a guest chair. Drake says that none of the cross-eyed mouthbreathers deserves to hear his voice, but Tyrus chose to go at it with the DCC and never asked him. He enjoyed beating the life out of EC# with that bat, but Tyrus picked the wrong guy to cash his briefcase in on. Drake left him last week because Tyrus needs to understand something: he pays Tyrus to watch his back and walk behind him because he's the guy that's paid to do that. Drake is the guy to be in the main events, Tyrus is the guy who stands on the sidelines and watches them. This is his desk Tyrus is in, this is his show, he owns this show, and he owns Tyrus. Tyrus takes exception to that, grabbing Drake by the neck and saying nobody owns him, and if he wants to see something getting owned, he'll see Drake in that ring next week.
Back to Mexico, where one of Konnan's flunkies walks in and tells him that the Hardys are here for the champions. They don't want money, just a chance to challenge for the title. Konnan has them brought in, and he says he heard they don't want to get paid, and Matt says they are not concerned with money. Konnan says that shows what kind of people they are, and he says the match is on! The Hardys leave, and Konnan tells his flunky to get as much bootleg Hardy stuff as they can so they can start selling it quick.
Back to Laurel's party where Maria continues to abuse poor Allie.
Back to Tijuana, where the Hardys tell Vanguard-1 to map out a quick escape plan for them after they PROCURE the Mexican Tag Team Title. We only see highlights of the match, and for some reason half of the participants have their faces blurred out. Meanwhile,. Vanguard-1 (who says he is BORED AF HANGING BACK HERE) gets a visit from a bunch of women I can only assume are luchadorettes (either that or extras from an Ed Powers flick). Back to the ring, where Matt hits Psicosis with the Twist of Fate and Jeff follows with the Swanton to get the win and earn the Mexican Tag Team Title. The Hardys hustle back to Vanguard-1 as Konnan's guy runs in to tell him that the Hardys are leaving and they have the title. Konnan goes to find the Hardys, but they've disppeared! It turns out they're back in the Dome of Deletion, where they stuff all their title belts into a big sack until the Seven Deities give him another PREEMONEESHUN! Oh wait, here comes the PREEMONEESHUN now: Matt tells the Scribe to record that the Hardys will return to their Egyptian roots. Next week: The Hardys attempt to become Mid-Atlantic Tag Team Champions!
Video package hyping tonight's Brooke Tessmacher-Sienna match, and Brooke is tired of Maria's power trips!
Brooke Tessmacher vs Sienna
Brooke and Sienna brawl on the floor before the match, but Maria grabs Brooke's ankle as she comes back in and allows Sienna to cheapshot her as the bell rings. Brooke hits a flying headscissors, but a tornado DDT attempt gets countered to a t-bone suplex by Sienna for 2. Brooke hits an STO backbreaker, but Sienna catches her with a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. Brooke gets a facebuster out of nowhere, and Maria hops up on the apron to distract her. Sienna charges, Brooke dodges, Sienna stops short and back elbows Brooke, then she hits a fallaway slam, and a second one, but Brooke avoids an AK-47 and gets a schoolboy rollup for the win.
Winner: Brooke Tessmacher
Great match! Brooke hasn't lost a step after her time off.
Back to the bachelor party where Braxton Sutter again tries to take off, but an old guy named George (who Bennett claimed was 28) wants to watch a porno movie. Bennett says not so fast, because it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for: the enchanting...ROXY! Bennett opens the door, and there's a fat lady with bad teeth and fake underarm bushes on the other side. Bennett just slams the door shut and asks George if he still has that porno.
Eli Drake is out in the parking lot, and if Tyrus thinks he can take over his talk show and put his hands on him, he might just find himself wrapped around a baseball bat next week. He is going to beat every living breath out of Tyrus until his career is over.
Bobby Lashley comes out to the ring and says that he stands here, still our World Champion, now the four-time champion and the baddest man on the entire planet. He loves to fight, he lives to battle, and he loves to hurt people. He doesn't care if it's wrestling or MMA, there isn't a fighter alive who can hang with him, look him in the eye, and really believe they can beat him, it just won't happen. This prompts former UFC Heavyweight Champion Josh Barnett to come out to the ring to confront Lashley. He hears a lot of bold proclamations coming out of his mouth, but Lashley isn't living up to the expectations of the fans, there's a level you need to maintain as champion, and he is severely disappointed in him. Barnett is here because he wants to show Lashley in person, get him in the ring, teach him a lesson, and bring him up to the level he knows Lashley is capable of to hold that belt. Lashley tells Josh not to make the mistake of playing into the stupid fans' hands and getting himself into something he will regret. He welcomes Josh to the Impact Zone, but he knows Josh, he's been a top 10 fighter for the last 20 years, but in MMA, there's rules. There's no rules in Lashley's world, and as tough and bad as Josh if, he can't come into Lashley's world and tell him anything. He says Josh should take his ass to the back and have a seat, and he goes to pat Barnett on the shoulder, and Barnett quickly goes for an armbar, but Lashley slips away. Lashley says if that's the way he wants it, they can fight. Barnett says he'll do it if Lashley puts that belt on the line and shows what kind of champ he actually is. Lashley is quiet, so Barnett says not to punk out, but Lashley says he'll fight anyone anytime, the title will be on the line, and Barnett is going to get an ass whupping just like everyone else.
Back to the bachelor party, where everyone is passed out except Braxton Sutter, who quietly steps over the guests and puts Roxy face-down on Bennett's lap and takes a picture with his cell phone, then gets to stepping while the getting's good. The wedding is next Thursday on Impact!
But right now, it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!
Street Fight: Eddie Edwards vs Davey Richards
Angelina comes out and says that Eddie must have a death wish, but if he wants it, he's got it, and Davey comes out of the crowd to jump Eddie from behind. Eddie rolls out to the floor right next to the trash can full of weapons, but he forgoes that to go after Davey and gets his chest nearly caved in by Davey's kicks. Davey rams Eddie into the barricade and charges, but Eddie dodges the kick and unloads with chops before ramming Davey into the trash can. Josh says that Davey spent the last year sitting home watching Schitt's Creek on PopTV, and if that's the case, I can understand why he's so pissed right now. Anyway, Davey takes Eddie's right hand and smashes it onto the steps, then rolls Eddie back in the ring and stomps his hand as we go to commercial.
We're back, and Davey smashes a chair onto Eddie's hand before going to the ropes to make out with Angelina. Davey puts the boots to Eddie, but Eddie knocks Davey out to the floor and takes him out with a dive through the ropes. They go back in and Angelina goes after Eddie with a chair, Eddie gets it out of her hands, but turns around to Davey swinging another chair into Eddie's chair, which bashes him in the face. Davey yells at Eddie to get up, and Angelina holds him a chair, makes out with him, and then Eddie's wife Alicia runs in, jumps on Davey's back, throws a few forearms at Angelina, but then Angelina lays her out with one shot. Angelina cuffs Alicia to the bottom rope while Davey puts the boots to Eddie. Davey hands Angelina a chair and prepares to bash Alicia with it, but Eddie crawls over on top of his wife to protect her. Davey takes the opportunity to get the chair and do an Austin/Wrestlemania X-7 job on Eddie, who is practically dead. Angelina puts a chair over the back of Eddie's head, Davey delivers a conchairto, and Angelina...KICKS THE REFEREE IN THE DING DING! Davey puts his boot on Eddie's chest and Angelina counts the 3. Well, I don't think that's gonna count, so in the absence of a capable referee, let's call this...
Davey and Angelina kneel over Eddie and make out again while Alicia watches and yells.
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